Well, i've been debating about writing this particular blog for a day or so. Actually, a little bit longer, but there's some happenings that are recent and i wasn't sure if i should write about it or not. But like all other instances, when my mind is clouded even after long sessions of prayer i always end up blogging to get my thoughts out in writing.
I guess we should start with the lesser of two very concerning topics in my life. And i know that everyone who reads this is going to roll their eyes and probably go back to whatever it is that they were doing. BUT i honestly don't care anymore. So, i don't know if any of you remember, but i wrote a blog months ago i think it was titled "Just like parking spots all the good guys are taken" or something along those lines. Well, that guy, the one that i was finally willing to open up to and be with, we're kind of talking again. As in more than friends. He's in a rough situation where he can't break up with his "girlfriend" [i say that in quotation because everyone he's friends with knows he doesn't want to be with her, AT ALL anymore]. She's crazy and will most definitely kick him out and not care about his responsibilities that he has to take care of at all and he can't move out until around summer time.
The part that's really crazy isn't the fact that i really like a guy that's got a girlfriend and we have to sneak around to see each other and keep everything quiet. What's crazy is that being with him and around him feels so right that all the "wrong" doesn't feel wrong at all. It's making do with what you have until you're able to get something better. And if i had a friend that was telling me what i'm writing right now, i'm pretty sure that i'd tell them to get a grip and wait until he's completely broken up with that girl and doesn't have to hide you in the shadows... but i honestly can't help it.
It's not like he's battling his emotions about how he feels about this girl and how he feels about me, he's made it obvious that she doesn't make him happy at all anymore and that i do. I guess there are just moments that i feel like a dirty little secret when him and i haven't even done anything. I get mad butterflies and i'm always wearing a cheesy smile whenever i talk to him, everyone around me notices the difference between him texting/calling me and someone else. I just get instantaneously happy, and i don't ever want that feeling to go away. I've gone so so long with being sad and depressed but hiding that behind a fake smile that i wear so well that no one can tell it's fake.
This smile, this dorkishly cheesy smile i get when i talk to him, think about him, text him, see him, this smile is real. This happy feeling is real, and if only a fraction of what he's told me is true than i know that he feels the same way about me. How can i just let that go and sit back and watch both of us be miserable until his situation ends? I can't. I know it's selfish and i know i should step back and just wait it out, but i can't. More than that, i won't. No matter what any one thinks, i have a right to be happy. If he makes me happy regardless of this super messed up situation than that's what i'm going to go with.
Don't think i'm dumb. I know what everyone says about me when i'm not around when it comes to the guys. "Oh she falls for every guy she sees that tells her sweet things." "She's super desperate to fall in love." "She needs to let go of being with a guy to find happiness and just focus on her daughter." Well each and every one of you can take your words and shove them where the sun don't shine. I DO NOT fall for every guy, or any guy for that matter, because regardless of what ya'll think, I'M SMART about who i open up to, truly. Yes, i might say they make me happy and at that moment, hey! guess what? I more than likely AM happy with them. But my being happy about them or with them does NOT mean i fell for them. And who seriously cares if i'm desperate for love? Aren't we all? I mean we find so many things in life to fill that void in our hearts that only one other person can fill. What is so WRONG with me wanting to have someone actually care about me and my feelings? Everyone acts like it's a sin to want to be wanted or need to be needed, well i sure don't. Love is love. It has no time line to follow, when it happens, it happens regardless of if it's been days or years. As for focusing on my daughter, i do that EVERY day, and anyone who thinks other wise is going to get the wrath of an angry momma. EVERYTHING i do is for my baby girl. EVERYTHING. She is who i think of foremost and always. So if i'm doing something you might not agree with and don't think it's best for my daughter than you don't know what's really going on because i would NEVER jeopardize my daughter in any way shape or form at all. To be honest, it seriously makes my blood boil when friends tell me i need to just focus on her like i haven't been doing that since the instant i found out i was pregnant.
Julia is my LIFE, without her i wouldn't exist as the woman i am today. And maybe one day when you have kids or maybe one day when you actually spend a day as ME you can tell me what i should and should not do. Till then, don't tell me your opinion unless i specifically ask for it. When i vent, i vent. When i ask for advice, i ask for advice specifically. The two will never EVER cross.
Ok... now for the harder part of this blog that every time i think about it my stomach churns a guilty feeling that makes me want to throw up. I have a friend, literally a friend and NOT me, swear. But she's pregnant and i used to think she was ready for a baby and totally responsible, part of me still does. But i heard some seriously disturbing news that just makes me so scared for her and her baby. I'm not going into specifics, but it's not good. It borderlines something that if i found out a parent at my work was doing i'd have to report them to CPS. I want to talk to her and tell her that what she's thinking about doing is seriously not right, not only for caring for a baby, but as being a mother. I know i'm not perfect, i never have been and i never will be, but there are some things that i know if i get a sick feeling to my stomach i know it's wrong. God blessed me with a physical sickness to know if something is wrong with what i'm doing and when i heard her words that feeling enveloped me and i almost ran to the bathroom to throw up.
I guess i don't know what to do. I love my friend, and granted i've made some major mistakes in my past that doesn't mean that i want any of my friends to go through the guilty conscience that i lived with. I'm just stuck, she's a very good friend of mine and i really didn't know she was capable of doing what i found out. But apparently, she is and it saddens and sickens me to my core at the same time. It just worries me that something is going to happen. Infants and children are entirely dependent and trusting on us as parents to make sure they're well taken care of and fed and healthy. We can't do that if we're impaired. It could be dangerous in one too many ways.
I guess at this moment i'll just pray that God will touch her and help her realize that it's not right and she should rethink things. Phew, i really do feel a lot better now that i got that off my chest.
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