Completely and utterly LOST

It seems to be right when i believe that i know what i want, a whirlwind comes from out of no where and knocks me flat on my big butt. I was so incredibly sure that i knew what i wanted out of life and here i am even more confused than i was last week when Sean text me at 2 am saying he was still in love with me.

So to help my mind focus, i'll list the only things i DO know:
I love my daughter, Julia Lynn Watson, with everything that's in me and always will.
I have the most amazing job i could have ever asked for.
My coworkers are amazing in every way and i thank God every day for bringing them in my life.
My parents and family have been and will continue to always be by my side through hard times.
Finally, the few very close friends i have, are the only ones i trust.

Other than those things, i'm lost about life. Literally. It's almost like i'm Miranda Lambert in her song "The House That Built Me" - I got lost in this whole world and forgot who i am. That's me. I forgot who i am. I lost myself somewhere out there in the world and i don't know how to find myself.

I've been feeling incredibly convicted by Christ for letting Him down again. I rededicated my life and i was and still am very serious about it. But i revisited my past last weekend and i shouldn't have. I'm feeling entirely guilty about it and i know it's never too late to ask for forgiveness and turn things around, so i am. All i can do when i stumble and fall is call out God's name and know He'll be there to pick me up.

This weekend i'm getting Julia dedicated at church and i feel like it's a test i'm not ready for. I want to dedicate her, that's not what concerns me, but what does is that my life is in shambles and i feel like how in tact my life is should dictate going on that stage or not. I know i'm thinking crazy, and that crazy life or not i am completely allowed to get up on that stage and declare to the congregation that i'm going to raise my daughter in a Christ centered home. Which i will and i am.

I guess i'm just completely thrown for a loop because i love my job and i don't want to leave. But on that pay i can't live and support myself on my own. But yet, i don't exactly know how i can move out because i don't want to have to deal with a room mate unless it's someone that i'm dating. But you're not supposed to "live in sin" though i honestly believe that if nothing is going on, then there's nothing wrong about it.

Ugh, all i keep saying is "i don't know i don't know i don't know" and really, I DON'T KNOW! I used to know all the things i wanted out of life. Who i wanted to marry, what i wanted as a career, where i wanted to live, what i wanted to drive, how i wanted to live my life. I used to know every single one of those things and now i do nothing but draw a blank.

All i want is to feel like i have some direction again. For two weeks now i've been taking things one day at a time and just living from day to day, but i hate it. I'm the type that needs goal points in life and when i reach those i know what's next. I hate hate hate not having a plan and not knowing what to do. Yes i like to do spontaneous fun things, but as far as the serious part of life, i HAVE to have a plan. Otherwise, much like i do right now, i feel lost. Completely and utterly lost.

I've been praying. But i suppose i'm not supposed to know what to do yet. But i'll trust Him. With all i have, i'll trust Him that He knows what He's doing.

<3