This week has been pretty hectic for me so far. Julia was sick all last week and was finally well enough to go to school this past Monday. All together last week was just one incredibly emotional and stressful roller coaster, whether it was work or Julia's health or MY health, all i know is that i was so ready for this week to at least be a bit more peaceful. Ugh, if only.
For about a week or so i'd been talking to a friend as a little bit more than a friend and things were going well, or so i thought. We had plans to go out for Valentine's day and even see each other virtually the whole weekend. Well, before i get ahead of myself let's review how my week started.
MONDAY: I wake up super late for work [actually getting Julia to school on time, i have to clock in an hour after wards.], find that there's a huge moving truck down the street i normally take to the main street out of my neighborhood so had to take the long way, spilled my coffee all over myself in the car, Jules wasn't exactly cooperating when i dropped her off at class, a certain little boy that likes to push his limits and is built like a mini line backer found it his personal duty to tackle ALL of his friends in the class and deliberately do everything i asked him NOT to do, i didn't get off of work on time, forgot stuff in the classroom and office and kitchen at work and remembered AFTER i had just left the building - EVERY TIME, and came home to get into a fight with my mom about always doing things for me before she gives me a chance to do them myself. But that's not even the best part. The last thing that happened to me Monday night was my ex boyfriend, Sean, the first real relationship i had after leaving my ex husband, tells me that he was in love with me and that's why he left and didn't come back 7 months ago. O.M.Gsh.
TUESDAY: Didn't fall asleep till about 6am, woke up with Jules at 830am, kept my hands busy but my mouth quiet while getting everything ready for work, got to work and did fine until the last break i was doing for a teacher. While in her class i'd been texting Sean and the guy i had been talking to recently and everything slammed into me like a semi truck on the high way. Feelings and emotions completely enveloped me and i broke down, thankfully, it was nap time. When the teacher came back, she noticed i was completely silent and not looking her in the eyes[something i almost always do when talking to someone unless something's wrong], she asked if i was ok and as i walked away i shook my head no. Before i even got to the door she was calling after me and i burst into tears as her arms wrapped around me. I can honestly say that i've never had a co worker care for me in this way at all before, so with that in mind i cried even more. Finally, i got my emotions under control and we talked about the situation for a few minutes, then i went back to the two's class that i finish my day in. Not two minutes goes by when that teacher notices the same thing and asks me what's wrong and AGAIN, i burst into tears and she hugs me and just tells me it's going to be ok. How great of a job is it that your co workers seriously care about your well being!? I'm very blessed.
Anyway, i guess i can get out of the weekly schedule thing now huh? Haha anyway, i work through my tears though i'm offered to go home, twice, both times i bear through it saying that the migraine and urge to throw up every five seconds from stress will go away once i get some sleep. The kids go home and finally i go home.
Through out the day on tuesday text messages were going back and forth between Sean and i and between the guy i was seeing and myself. The guy i was seeing sent some hurtful texts to me and i more than likely sent some to him as well. I mean, i can understand where he's coming from: We're talking and then BAM! an old flame comes back in the picture and where am i now? But at the same time, i'm stressing and frustrated beyond belief. This is/was not an easy day for me. I get a text from someone whom i'd cared for deeply and might have even loved saying that they feel the same way that i once did and what am i supposed to do? Tell him to toughen up and get over it? Maybe.
See i might have done that if he was the same childish and immature boy that i'd dated 7 months ago. But he's not. He changed everything i never liked about him, and he did it for ME. That right there is a lot of pressure. At the very least, i owe it to him to prove that he's a different person, don't i? At least as a friend? I mean, i've been trying to get my kid sister's mom to forgive me and accept i'm different for years, but she's just not letting that happen. How hypocritical would i be if i ended up doing the same thing to Sean?
Right now, i'm not with anyone. Neither of these guys. I'm choosing to just be friends, because that's all that i can handle. Yes, i might be in love with Sean, but i also really like[d] the other guy as well. How am i supposed to take this? I'm human, i'm not God in any way, i don't have any of the answers! So all i'm doing is praying like my life depends on it [which in a way, it does] and i'm trying to think things through. I removed myself romantically from both guys and am trying to give Sean a chance at redemption for the guy he used to be, even if all we ever amount to is friends.
But i won't lie, in my heart, mind, body and soul - i feel RIGHT with Sean. Everything about him... he drove from Mesa to Avondale to see me for an hour. ONE hour. He held me as he said sorry and it was like everything was right where it should be. His scent was still the same, his arms still made me melt, and his voice just calmed me down. I can't explain it, but i'm terrified. I've always thought i was ready for love, and dying for a serious relationship. Right when i realize that i need to take things extra slow, he comes back into my life and i'm stuck between just being with him, and doing things the right way.
I guess only time will tell. If Sean truly is different, then i might give him another chance. If not, then there are plenty of fish in the sea. But as of right now it is 148am and i'm dead beat tired. G'night blogger friends. Well, whomever it is that's reading this since i don't have any friends on here yet.
<3
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