So, here it is 236am and why am i not asleep? Honestly, i'm not sure. I'm completely exhausted and can't really keep my eyes open, but i guess i just needed to vent. So my Valentine's plans are back on, but under strict friends circumstances and though i'm happy that friend and i are more or less ok again i can't just help but still feel torn. And i think i found out why.
So many times i've been left with no explanation and nothing more than a short sentence saying something along the lines of "Its not you, it's me" blah, blah, blah. This time with Sean, oh boy, it's been so different. I know i keep forcing myself to slow down and 'just be friends' don't be anything more than 'friends'. Friends, friends, friends. Ugh! I've never in my life wanted to punch myself in the present tense. Sure i've looked back and wanted to go punch that version of me for being dumb, but never the one i'm actually in.
I find myself laughing more, smiling more and just feeling a little bit more whole every day since Sean and i started talking every day again. I'm excited for Valentine's day, but at the same time, i feel torn from Sean and i don't really like that feeling. Sean's completely supportive of my seeing and dating other people so i can figure out what/who i want and get my head on straight, but ughhh! I feel like i'm stuck in a locked box, i have the key but the lock us on the outside. I'm stuck and i can't get out.
Thankfully, my writing has seen a whole new chapter this week from these developments in my life haha. I've always been able to write more when there's more on my mind. Kinda sucks but when life sucks my writing is awesome haha. If only i could have awesome writing and awesomeness in my life at the same time, oh, if only.
I guess, mainly, i needed to vent about my over all feelings about Sean. I feel SO strongly about him and i know that i really really want to be with him, but the both of us feel like we should go slow and to be quite blunt, i hate myself for agreeing to it. I mean, ya ya ya, 'it's best for the both of us' but it's hurting me to know that i have to bite my tongue and not tell him everything that i want to tell him.
I also feel bad about my valentine. I really like[d] him. I had a card from him in the mail today too and it was very sweet and it's never been done for me, but, idk. I don't want to hurt him. He's way too good of a man and deserves so much more than that. It really and truly is a crappy place i'm in, because i think about my valentine and the path that him and i might make together and i can see myself happy and content and i want that.
But then i think about the path with Sean and i see him and i happy and content as well and i want that too! I'm just torn in two and wish i was a twin or something. Oii, i know deep in my heart i know what i selfishly want to do, and trying to keep myself from caving and just doing whatever i want to do no matter who it hurts is so very hard. Only through God's good graces am i surviving and not turning into a man eater.
Plus, on top of these guy problems, tonight i was hit on by three of my different guy friends telling me that they like me and always have and want a chance. Eesh. Seriously? I mean, honestly, is there anyone ELSE that wants to tell me that they want to be with me too!? Might as well get it out now since it seems like i'm going to be deciding my future. Ugh.
I really hate it how when i actually want to have a relationship there isn't a soul in sight that wants to admit they want to be with me and actually try a real relationship, but when i have my eyes on someone they all show up out of no where and confess their undying love for me. SERIOUSLY!? Let's just take a chill pill and realize that i'm not the ONLY one out there. I'm flattered but a woman can only handle so many guys trying to be her boyfriend before she cracks under the pressure.
Well it's now 254am and my eyes are starting to get itchy and dry which means it's night night time for Miss Stephanie. G'night.
<3
No comments:
Post a Comment