Well, i've been debating about writing this particular blog for a day or so. Actually, a little bit longer, but there's some happenings that are recent and i wasn't sure if i should write about it or not. But like all other instances, when my mind is clouded even after long sessions of prayer i always end up blogging to get my thoughts out in writing.
I guess we should start with the lesser of two very concerning topics in my life. And i know that everyone who reads this is going to roll their eyes and probably go back to whatever it is that they were doing. BUT i honestly don't care anymore. So, i don't know if any of you remember, but i wrote a blog months ago i think it was titled "Just like parking spots all the good guys are taken" or something along those lines. Well, that guy, the one that i was finally willing to open up to and be with, we're kind of talking again. As in more than friends. He's in a rough situation where he can't break up with his "girlfriend" [i say that in quotation because everyone he's friends with knows he doesn't want to be with her, AT ALL anymore]. She's crazy and will most definitely kick him out and not care about his responsibilities that he has to take care of at all and he can't move out until around summer time.
The part that's really crazy isn't the fact that i really like a guy that's got a girlfriend and we have to sneak around to see each other and keep everything quiet. What's crazy is that being with him and around him feels so right that all the "wrong" doesn't feel wrong at all. It's making do with what you have until you're able to get something better. And if i had a friend that was telling me what i'm writing right now, i'm pretty sure that i'd tell them to get a grip and wait until he's completely broken up with that girl and doesn't have to hide you in the shadows... but i honestly can't help it.
It's not like he's battling his emotions about how he feels about this girl and how he feels about me, he's made it obvious that she doesn't make him happy at all anymore and that i do. I guess there are just moments that i feel like a dirty little secret when him and i haven't even done anything. I get mad butterflies and i'm always wearing a cheesy smile whenever i talk to him, everyone around me notices the difference between him texting/calling me and someone else. I just get instantaneously happy, and i don't ever want that feeling to go away. I've gone so so long with being sad and depressed but hiding that behind a fake smile that i wear so well that no one can tell it's fake.
This smile, this dorkishly cheesy smile i get when i talk to him, think about him, text him, see him, this smile is real. This happy feeling is real, and if only a fraction of what he's told me is true than i know that he feels the same way about me. How can i just let that go and sit back and watch both of us be miserable until his situation ends? I can't. I know it's selfish and i know i should step back and just wait it out, but i can't. More than that, i won't. No matter what any one thinks, i have a right to be happy. If he makes me happy regardless of this super messed up situation than that's what i'm going to go with.
Don't think i'm dumb. I know what everyone says about me when i'm not around when it comes to the guys. "Oh she falls for every guy she sees that tells her sweet things." "She's super desperate to fall in love." "She needs to let go of being with a guy to find happiness and just focus on her daughter." Well each and every one of you can take your words and shove them where the sun don't shine. I DO NOT fall for every guy, or any guy for that matter, because regardless of what ya'll think, I'M SMART about who i open up to, truly. Yes, i might say they make me happy and at that moment, hey! guess what? I more than likely AM happy with them. But my being happy about them or with them does NOT mean i fell for them. And who seriously cares if i'm desperate for love? Aren't we all? I mean we find so many things in life to fill that void in our hearts that only one other person can fill. What is so WRONG with me wanting to have someone actually care about me and my feelings? Everyone acts like it's a sin to want to be wanted or need to be needed, well i sure don't. Love is love. It has no time line to follow, when it happens, it happens regardless of if it's been days or years. As for focusing on my daughter, i do that EVERY day, and anyone who thinks other wise is going to get the wrath of an angry momma. EVERYTHING i do is for my baby girl. EVERYTHING. She is who i think of foremost and always. So if i'm doing something you might not agree with and don't think it's best for my daughter than you don't know what's really going on because i would NEVER jeopardize my daughter in any way shape or form at all. To be honest, it seriously makes my blood boil when friends tell me i need to just focus on her like i haven't been doing that since the instant i found out i was pregnant.
Julia is my LIFE, without her i wouldn't exist as the woman i am today. And maybe one day when you have kids or maybe one day when you actually spend a day as ME you can tell me what i should and should not do. Till then, don't tell me your opinion unless i specifically ask for it. When i vent, i vent. When i ask for advice, i ask for advice specifically. The two will never EVER cross.
Ok... now for the harder part of this blog that every time i think about it my stomach churns a guilty feeling that makes me want to throw up. I have a friend, literally a friend and NOT me, swear. But she's pregnant and i used to think she was ready for a baby and totally responsible, part of me still does. But i heard some seriously disturbing news that just makes me so scared for her and her baby. I'm not going into specifics, but it's not good. It borderlines something that if i found out a parent at my work was doing i'd have to report them to CPS. I want to talk to her and tell her that what she's thinking about doing is seriously not right, not only for caring for a baby, but as being a mother. I know i'm not perfect, i never have been and i never will be, but there are some things that i know if i get a sick feeling to my stomach i know it's wrong. God blessed me with a physical sickness to know if something is wrong with what i'm doing and when i heard her words that feeling enveloped me and i almost ran to the bathroom to throw up.
I guess i don't know what to do. I love my friend, and granted i've made some major mistakes in my past that doesn't mean that i want any of my friends to go through the guilty conscience that i lived with. I'm just stuck, she's a very good friend of mine and i really didn't know she was capable of doing what i found out. But apparently, she is and it saddens and sickens me to my core at the same time. It just worries me that something is going to happen. Infants and children are entirely dependent and trusting on us as parents to make sure they're well taken care of and fed and healthy. We can't do that if we're impaired. It could be dangerous in one too many ways.
I guess at this moment i'll just pray that God will touch her and help her realize that it's not right and she should rethink things. Phew, i really do feel a lot better now that i got that off my chest.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Friday, February 18, 2011
Completely and utterly LOST
It seems to be right when i believe that i know what i want, a whirlwind comes from out of no where and knocks me flat on my big butt. I was so incredibly sure that i knew what i wanted out of life and here i am even more confused than i was last week when Sean text me at 2 am saying he was still in love with me.
So to help my mind focus, i'll list the only things i DO know:
I love my daughter, Julia Lynn Watson, with everything that's in me and always will.
I have the most amazing job i could have ever asked for.
My coworkers are amazing in every way and i thank God every day for bringing them in my life.
My parents and family have been and will continue to always be by my side through hard times.
Finally, the few very close friends i have, are the only ones i trust.
Other than those things, i'm lost about life. Literally. It's almost like i'm Miranda Lambert in her song "The House That Built Me" - I got lost in this whole world and forgot who i am. That's me. I forgot who i am. I lost myself somewhere out there in the world and i don't know how to find myself.
I've been feeling incredibly convicted by Christ for letting Him down again. I rededicated my life and i was and still am very serious about it. But i revisited my past last weekend and i shouldn't have. I'm feeling entirely guilty about it and i know it's never too late to ask for forgiveness and turn things around, so i am. All i can do when i stumble and fall is call out God's name and know He'll be there to pick me up.
This weekend i'm getting Julia dedicated at church and i feel like it's a test i'm not ready for. I want to dedicate her, that's not what concerns me, but what does is that my life is in shambles and i feel like how in tact my life is should dictate going on that stage or not. I know i'm thinking crazy, and that crazy life or not i am completely allowed to get up on that stage and declare to the congregation that i'm going to raise my daughter in a Christ centered home. Which i will and i am.
I guess i'm just completely thrown for a loop because i love my job and i don't want to leave. But on that pay i can't live and support myself on my own. But yet, i don't exactly know how i can move out because i don't want to have to deal with a room mate unless it's someone that i'm dating. But you're not supposed to "live in sin" though i honestly believe that if nothing is going on, then there's nothing wrong about it.
Ugh, all i keep saying is "i don't know i don't know i don't know" and really, I DON'T KNOW! I used to know all the things i wanted out of life. Who i wanted to marry, what i wanted as a career, where i wanted to live, what i wanted to drive, how i wanted to live my life. I used to know every single one of those things and now i do nothing but draw a blank.
All i want is to feel like i have some direction again. For two weeks now i've been taking things one day at a time and just living from day to day, but i hate it. I'm the type that needs goal points in life and when i reach those i know what's next. I hate hate hate not having a plan and not knowing what to do. Yes i like to do spontaneous fun things, but as far as the serious part of life, i HAVE to have a plan. Otherwise, much like i do right now, i feel lost. Completely and utterly lost.
I've been praying. But i suppose i'm not supposed to know what to do yet. But i'll trust Him. With all i have, i'll trust Him that He knows what He's doing.
<3
So to help my mind focus, i'll list the only things i DO know:
I love my daughter, Julia Lynn Watson, with everything that's in me and always will.
I have the most amazing job i could have ever asked for.
My coworkers are amazing in every way and i thank God every day for bringing them in my life.
My parents and family have been and will continue to always be by my side through hard times.
Finally, the few very close friends i have, are the only ones i trust.
Other than those things, i'm lost about life. Literally. It's almost like i'm Miranda Lambert in her song "The House That Built Me" - I got lost in this whole world and forgot who i am. That's me. I forgot who i am. I lost myself somewhere out there in the world and i don't know how to find myself.
I've been feeling incredibly convicted by Christ for letting Him down again. I rededicated my life and i was and still am very serious about it. But i revisited my past last weekend and i shouldn't have. I'm feeling entirely guilty about it and i know it's never too late to ask for forgiveness and turn things around, so i am. All i can do when i stumble and fall is call out God's name and know He'll be there to pick me up.
This weekend i'm getting Julia dedicated at church and i feel like it's a test i'm not ready for. I want to dedicate her, that's not what concerns me, but what does is that my life is in shambles and i feel like how in tact my life is should dictate going on that stage or not. I know i'm thinking crazy, and that crazy life or not i am completely allowed to get up on that stage and declare to the congregation that i'm going to raise my daughter in a Christ centered home. Which i will and i am.
I guess i'm just completely thrown for a loop because i love my job and i don't want to leave. But on that pay i can't live and support myself on my own. But yet, i don't exactly know how i can move out because i don't want to have to deal with a room mate unless it's someone that i'm dating. But you're not supposed to "live in sin" though i honestly believe that if nothing is going on, then there's nothing wrong about it.
Ugh, all i keep saying is "i don't know i don't know i don't know" and really, I DON'T KNOW! I used to know all the things i wanted out of life. Who i wanted to marry, what i wanted as a career, where i wanted to live, what i wanted to drive, how i wanted to live my life. I used to know every single one of those things and now i do nothing but draw a blank.
All i want is to feel like i have some direction again. For two weeks now i've been taking things one day at a time and just living from day to day, but i hate it. I'm the type that needs goal points in life and when i reach those i know what's next. I hate hate hate not having a plan and not knowing what to do. Yes i like to do spontaneous fun things, but as far as the serious part of life, i HAVE to have a plan. Otherwise, much like i do right now, i feel lost. Completely and utterly lost.
I've been praying. But i suppose i'm not supposed to know what to do yet. But i'll trust Him. With all i have, i'll trust Him that He knows what He's doing.
<3
Monday, February 14, 2011
National Remember Your Single And The Men Forgot You Day
Who ever thought of Valentine's day seriously hated the single people out there. For the 23rd year in a row i'm alone on Valentine's day. No boyfriend, no flowers, no special someone, no date, no love, nothing. I honestly don't know why i even bother to try and make plans or think to myself 'Maybe this year will be different, maybe this year i'll finally get a little spoiled and have someone just show me how much they care about me, but ugh, it NEVER happens.
If i get a boyfriend before Valentine's day we break up before it get here. Seriously, one year it was the day before Valentine's day. The only year that i actually 'had a Valentine' was Taurus just before we were going to get married. I was sicker than sick with a fever, throwing up and just feeling horrible. He did NOTHING. Oh wait, he got a hotel room and hoped to get laid all weekend long. Obviously, that didn't happen. No flowers, no dinner date, nothing planned at all. Just the room. And on Valentine's DAY he disappeared for 4 hours and came back with a bag of random love day stuff and just threw it on the bed and said 'I'm not good at this, here it is.' And proceeded to sit and watch tv. I mean really!?
Regardless of whomever i'm with its like they're incapable of showing any type of emotion. The guys that i end up really caring about have serious issues and the great amazing i'll-show-you-all-the-love-in-the-world guys i just can't find it in myself to have that passionate connection with them. Maybe i'm the one who has the issues... In every relationship i'm the common denominator.
*Sigh*
One year i'll get an amazing guy who doesn't feel obligated to do all those things that 'you're supposed to' on V-day, but he'll WANT to. I guess i just really don't get it. I try and try and try but it never ever works out...
Every year this day always makes me ache for something that i've never had and probably won't have for years and years and years. Love. Even if i get close, i always find a way to mess it up royally. Ugh, whatever. Instead of going out to a nice dinner all dressed up and getting roses or a planned romantic night out i'm staying at home and more than likely going to spend my night like any other night... writing or sleeping. Lovely.
Forgive me for being a lonely bitter woman at the moment, but everyone's entitled to their feelings, and this, unfortunately, is how i feel right now.
If i get a boyfriend before Valentine's day we break up before it get here. Seriously, one year it was the day before Valentine's day. The only year that i actually 'had a Valentine' was Taurus just before we were going to get married. I was sicker than sick with a fever, throwing up and just feeling horrible. He did NOTHING. Oh wait, he got a hotel room and hoped to get laid all weekend long. Obviously, that didn't happen. No flowers, no dinner date, nothing planned at all. Just the room. And on Valentine's DAY he disappeared for 4 hours and came back with a bag of random love day stuff and just threw it on the bed and said 'I'm not good at this, here it is.' And proceeded to sit and watch tv. I mean really!?
Regardless of whomever i'm with its like they're incapable of showing any type of emotion. The guys that i end up really caring about have serious issues and the great amazing i'll-show-you-all-the-love-in-the-world guys i just can't find it in myself to have that passionate connection with them. Maybe i'm the one who has the issues... In every relationship i'm the common denominator.
*Sigh*
One year i'll get an amazing guy who doesn't feel obligated to do all those things that 'you're supposed to' on V-day, but he'll WANT to. I guess i just really don't get it. I try and try and try but it never ever works out...
Every year this day always makes me ache for something that i've never had and probably won't have for years and years and years. Love. Even if i get close, i always find a way to mess it up royally. Ugh, whatever. Instead of going out to a nice dinner all dressed up and getting roses or a planned romantic night out i'm staying at home and more than likely going to spend my night like any other night... writing or sleeping. Lovely.
Forgive me for being a lonely bitter woman at the moment, but everyone's entitled to their feelings, and this, unfortunately, is how i feel right now.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not
So, here it is 236am and why am i not asleep? Honestly, i'm not sure. I'm completely exhausted and can't really keep my eyes open, but i guess i just needed to vent. So my Valentine's plans are back on, but under strict friends circumstances and though i'm happy that friend and i are more or less ok again i can't just help but still feel torn. And i think i found out why.
So many times i've been left with no explanation and nothing more than a short sentence saying something along the lines of "Its not you, it's me" blah, blah, blah. This time with Sean, oh boy, it's been so different. I know i keep forcing myself to slow down and 'just be friends' don't be anything more than 'friends'. Friends, friends, friends. Ugh! I've never in my life wanted to punch myself in the present tense. Sure i've looked back and wanted to go punch that version of me for being dumb, but never the one i'm actually in.
I find myself laughing more, smiling more and just feeling a little bit more whole every day since Sean and i started talking every day again. I'm excited for Valentine's day, but at the same time, i feel torn from Sean and i don't really like that feeling. Sean's completely supportive of my seeing and dating other people so i can figure out what/who i want and get my head on straight, but ughhh! I feel like i'm stuck in a locked box, i have the key but the lock us on the outside. I'm stuck and i can't get out.
Thankfully, my writing has seen a whole new chapter this week from these developments in my life haha. I've always been able to write more when there's more on my mind. Kinda sucks but when life sucks my writing is awesome haha. If only i could have awesome writing and awesomeness in my life at the same time, oh, if only.
I guess, mainly, i needed to vent about my over all feelings about Sean. I feel SO strongly about him and i know that i really really want to be with him, but the both of us feel like we should go slow and to be quite blunt, i hate myself for agreeing to it. I mean, ya ya ya, 'it's best for the both of us' but it's hurting me to know that i have to bite my tongue and not tell him everything that i want to tell him.
I also feel bad about my valentine. I really like[d] him. I had a card from him in the mail today too and it was very sweet and it's never been done for me, but, idk. I don't want to hurt him. He's way too good of a man and deserves so much more than that. It really and truly is a crappy place i'm in, because i think about my valentine and the path that him and i might make together and i can see myself happy and content and i want that.
But then i think about the path with Sean and i see him and i happy and content as well and i want that too! I'm just torn in two and wish i was a twin or something. Oii, i know deep in my heart i know what i selfishly want to do, and trying to keep myself from caving and just doing whatever i want to do no matter who it hurts is so very hard. Only through God's good graces am i surviving and not turning into a man eater.
Plus, on top of these guy problems, tonight i was hit on by three of my different guy friends telling me that they like me and always have and want a chance. Eesh. Seriously? I mean, honestly, is there anyone ELSE that wants to tell me that they want to be with me too!? Might as well get it out now since it seems like i'm going to be deciding my future. Ugh.
I really hate it how when i actually want to have a relationship there isn't a soul in sight that wants to admit they want to be with me and actually try a real relationship, but when i have my eyes on someone they all show up out of no where and confess their undying love for me. SERIOUSLY!? Let's just take a chill pill and realize that i'm not the ONLY one out there. I'm flattered but a woman can only handle so many guys trying to be her boyfriend before she cracks under the pressure.
Well it's now 254am and my eyes are starting to get itchy and dry which means it's night night time for Miss Stephanie. G'night.
<3
So many times i've been left with no explanation and nothing more than a short sentence saying something along the lines of "Its not you, it's me" blah, blah, blah. This time with Sean, oh boy, it's been so different. I know i keep forcing myself to slow down and 'just be friends' don't be anything more than 'friends'. Friends, friends, friends. Ugh! I've never in my life wanted to punch myself in the present tense. Sure i've looked back and wanted to go punch that version of me for being dumb, but never the one i'm actually in.
I find myself laughing more, smiling more and just feeling a little bit more whole every day since Sean and i started talking every day again. I'm excited for Valentine's day, but at the same time, i feel torn from Sean and i don't really like that feeling. Sean's completely supportive of my seeing and dating other people so i can figure out what/who i want and get my head on straight, but ughhh! I feel like i'm stuck in a locked box, i have the key but the lock us on the outside. I'm stuck and i can't get out.
Thankfully, my writing has seen a whole new chapter this week from these developments in my life haha. I've always been able to write more when there's more on my mind. Kinda sucks but when life sucks my writing is awesome haha. If only i could have awesome writing and awesomeness in my life at the same time, oh, if only.
I guess, mainly, i needed to vent about my over all feelings about Sean. I feel SO strongly about him and i know that i really really want to be with him, but the both of us feel like we should go slow and to be quite blunt, i hate myself for agreeing to it. I mean, ya ya ya, 'it's best for the both of us' but it's hurting me to know that i have to bite my tongue and not tell him everything that i want to tell him.
I also feel bad about my valentine. I really like[d] him. I had a card from him in the mail today too and it was very sweet and it's never been done for me, but, idk. I don't want to hurt him. He's way too good of a man and deserves so much more than that. It really and truly is a crappy place i'm in, because i think about my valentine and the path that him and i might make together and i can see myself happy and content and i want that.
But then i think about the path with Sean and i see him and i happy and content as well and i want that too! I'm just torn in two and wish i was a twin or something. Oii, i know deep in my heart i know what i selfishly want to do, and trying to keep myself from caving and just doing whatever i want to do no matter who it hurts is so very hard. Only through God's good graces am i surviving and not turning into a man eater.
Plus, on top of these guy problems, tonight i was hit on by three of my different guy friends telling me that they like me and always have and want a chance. Eesh. Seriously? I mean, honestly, is there anyone ELSE that wants to tell me that they want to be with me too!? Might as well get it out now since it seems like i'm going to be deciding my future. Ugh.
I really hate it how when i actually want to have a relationship there isn't a soul in sight that wants to admit they want to be with me and actually try a real relationship, but when i have my eyes on someone they all show up out of no where and confess their undying love for me. SERIOUSLY!? Let's just take a chill pill and realize that i'm not the ONLY one out there. I'm flattered but a woman can only handle so many guys trying to be her boyfriend before she cracks under the pressure.
Well it's now 254am and my eyes are starting to get itchy and dry which means it's night night time for Miss Stephanie. G'night.
<3
Friday, February 11, 2011
Sick, Sick, Sick
Coughs, fevers, rashes, runny noses, stuffed noses, throwing up, ear infections and pretty much anything you can think of that little kids get, Julia has. Ugh. I love how i'm being tested so thoroughly right now. I go to work a full week, Jules gets super sick and misses a whole week while i miss a few days to take her to urgent care. Along with her being sick, I GET sick. Miss more days of work, come in late to work, calling work about Jules being sick again are you starting to see a pattern here?
I finally get an amazing job that is obviously a gift from God and i just feel like life keeps throwing so many curve balls at me that i might lose it. My sanity is starting to wear thin and i don't think i have much fight left in me. Every day i get up and something else happens that grinds on my emotions, physical health, or mental stability. I've been going and going for so long just trying to not think about all these things happening, even before i was working, and now with the added pressure of a job, regardless of how incredibly amazing that job might be, i feel so lost.
I'm sick and feel like utter crap but because Julia finally got her medicine and my parents are watching her, i'm going in to work. Why? Because i have to. Too many jobs have i not cared about and just said 'Oh, ya, by the way, i'm not coming in today. Why? Eh, *cough cough* i'm sick.' When in reality i wasn't. SOOO many times i've done this and it's not who i am anymore. Julia is my life and soul and i have to provide for her solely on my own now, which means i have no room to mess around or be care free.
All i know is that i'm so drained and so emotionally run dry that i just pray God fills me up with His strength and His love so that i can feel whole again. I know that ultimately life is going a lot better than it has been, but why does it always seem like there's something knocking at my knees and making me fall on the ground over and over without any time to catch my breath in between times i get thrown onto the floor. If i didn't have Julia, i might just lay on the floor and never get up. But no matter how tired i am, no matter how sick i am and no matter how emotionally drained or mentally broken i might be at the moment, EVERYTHING that i do, is all for her. Through Christ, i know that i can get through and be the best parent that i can for Julia's sake and for my own.
I finally get an amazing job that is obviously a gift from God and i just feel like life keeps throwing so many curve balls at me that i might lose it. My sanity is starting to wear thin and i don't think i have much fight left in me. Every day i get up and something else happens that grinds on my emotions, physical health, or mental stability. I've been going and going for so long just trying to not think about all these things happening, even before i was working, and now with the added pressure of a job, regardless of how incredibly amazing that job might be, i feel so lost.
I'm sick and feel like utter crap but because Julia finally got her medicine and my parents are watching her, i'm going in to work. Why? Because i have to. Too many jobs have i not cared about and just said 'Oh, ya, by the way, i'm not coming in today. Why? Eh, *cough cough* i'm sick.' When in reality i wasn't. SOOO many times i've done this and it's not who i am anymore. Julia is my life and soul and i have to provide for her solely on my own now, which means i have no room to mess around or be care free.
All i know is that i'm so drained and so emotionally run dry that i just pray God fills me up with His strength and His love so that i can feel whole again. I know that ultimately life is going a lot better than it has been, but why does it always seem like there's something knocking at my knees and making me fall on the ground over and over without any time to catch my breath in between times i get thrown onto the floor. If i didn't have Julia, i might just lay on the floor and never get up. But no matter how tired i am, no matter how sick i am and no matter how emotionally drained or mentally broken i might be at the moment, EVERYTHING that i do, is all for her. Through Christ, i know that i can get through and be the best parent that i can for Julia's sake and for my own.
In The End, Your Happiness Is Up To You
All my life i've been a people pleaser. Whether it was about friends, family, relationships, kids i took care of, my daughter, work, my possessions, anything and everything my first thought would always be, "What will _____ think about that?" There came a time in my life when i started to think that question and ask myself another question. "Why should their opinion dictate my happiness?"
In all honesty, a true friend/family member will support you in whatever makes you truly happy. Whether it's a job that you get less money but more hours at or it's a relationship that they don't think you should be in. All in all, why should their opinion about the situation have a strong affect on your result? Ultimately the only one who can make or break your decisions is Y.O.U. So if you're not feeling it 100% then why should you let someone else tell you that's what you should follow through with?
I know that i've made some pretty messed up mistakes in my past, and i'm not trying to fix them, i'm trying to do better. A lot of people think that i need this or i need that or i need him or i need a different him or i need work or i need a year to myself, whatever it is that you think i need, in the end all that matters is what I THINK i need. But bear in mind, that my decisions still aren't my own.
I may not listen to anyone down here on earth, but when i'm praying and i get an undeniable feeling of right and wrong, that's God speaking to me. And i'd be one stupid person if i didn't listen to what he had to say. I know that in the future i'm going to falter and mess up many more times, but right now i'm doing the best that i can with the cards that i've been dealt. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions, but in the end, you don't know as much as you think you do. All you have to go by is the words that people have told you and what you form to make up in your mind yourself.
Regardless of what we tell ourselves we always reword the truth. It may not be lying and it may not be fibbing, but if you reword something and it doesn't sound like what actually happened you'll start to believe that and then it'll just keep getting out of hand until, voila! It's an actual lie.
A lot of people think that they know me. And they might have at one point. But there are less than the number of fingers on one hand of people who truly know me and who i am and what i'm about. I've made life changing decisions for my daughter and i in the past couple of weeks, and those changes are NOTHING like how i used to be. So if you knew me before, you don't know me now.
So many of us get caught up in caring too much what every one else will say or think of us. But in the end, our happiness is all up to us and we're the only ones who can actually say what goes and what doesn't when it comes to our life. So when the time comes, and i inevitably make a decision about my life, i won't care what anyone says. My true friends will support my happiness and those who don't, well i'm sorry, but you're not a true friend.
<3
In all honesty, a true friend/family member will support you in whatever makes you truly happy. Whether it's a job that you get less money but more hours at or it's a relationship that they don't think you should be in. All in all, why should their opinion about the situation have a strong affect on your result? Ultimately the only one who can make or break your decisions is Y.O.U. So if you're not feeling it 100% then why should you let someone else tell you that's what you should follow through with?
I know that i've made some pretty messed up mistakes in my past, and i'm not trying to fix them, i'm trying to do better. A lot of people think that i need this or i need that or i need him or i need a different him or i need work or i need a year to myself, whatever it is that you think i need, in the end all that matters is what I THINK i need. But bear in mind, that my decisions still aren't my own.
I may not listen to anyone down here on earth, but when i'm praying and i get an undeniable feeling of right and wrong, that's God speaking to me. And i'd be one stupid person if i didn't listen to what he had to say. I know that in the future i'm going to falter and mess up many more times, but right now i'm doing the best that i can with the cards that i've been dealt. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions, but in the end, you don't know as much as you think you do. All you have to go by is the words that people have told you and what you form to make up in your mind yourself.
Regardless of what we tell ourselves we always reword the truth. It may not be lying and it may not be fibbing, but if you reword something and it doesn't sound like what actually happened you'll start to believe that and then it'll just keep getting out of hand until, voila! It's an actual lie.
A lot of people think that they know me. And they might have at one point. But there are less than the number of fingers on one hand of people who truly know me and who i am and what i'm about. I've made life changing decisions for my daughter and i in the past couple of weeks, and those changes are NOTHING like how i used to be. So if you knew me before, you don't know me now.
So many of us get caught up in caring too much what every one else will say or think of us. But in the end, our happiness is all up to us and we're the only ones who can actually say what goes and what doesn't when it comes to our life. So when the time comes, and i inevitably make a decision about my life, i won't care what anyone says. My true friends will support my happiness and those who don't, well i'm sorry, but you're not a true friend.
<3
Thursday, February 10, 2011
The Gut Feeling Always Wins
This week has been pretty hectic for me so far. Julia was sick all last week and was finally well enough to go to school this past Monday. All together last week was just one incredibly emotional and stressful roller coaster, whether it was work or Julia's health or MY health, all i know is that i was so ready for this week to at least be a bit more peaceful. Ugh, if only.
For about a week or so i'd been talking to a friend as a little bit more than a friend and things were going well, or so i thought. We had plans to go out for Valentine's day and even see each other virtually the whole weekend. Well, before i get ahead of myself let's review how my week started.
MONDAY: I wake up super late for work [actually getting Julia to school on time, i have to clock in an hour after wards.], find that there's a huge moving truck down the street i normally take to the main street out of my neighborhood so had to take the long way, spilled my coffee all over myself in the car, Jules wasn't exactly cooperating when i dropped her off at class, a certain little boy that likes to push his limits and is built like a mini line backer found it his personal duty to tackle ALL of his friends in the class and deliberately do everything i asked him NOT to do, i didn't get off of work on time, forgot stuff in the classroom and office and kitchen at work and remembered AFTER i had just left the building - EVERY TIME, and came home to get into a fight with my mom about always doing things for me before she gives me a chance to do them myself. But that's not even the best part. The last thing that happened to me Monday night was my ex boyfriend, Sean, the first real relationship i had after leaving my ex husband, tells me that he was in love with me and that's why he left and didn't come back 7 months ago. O.M.Gsh.
TUESDAY: Didn't fall asleep till about 6am, woke up with Jules at 830am, kept my hands busy but my mouth quiet while getting everything ready for work, got to work and did fine until the last break i was doing for a teacher. While in her class i'd been texting Sean and the guy i had been talking to recently and everything slammed into me like a semi truck on the high way. Feelings and emotions completely enveloped me and i broke down, thankfully, it was nap time. When the teacher came back, she noticed i was completely silent and not looking her in the eyes[something i almost always do when talking to someone unless something's wrong], she asked if i was ok and as i walked away i shook my head no. Before i even got to the door she was calling after me and i burst into tears as her arms wrapped around me. I can honestly say that i've never had a co worker care for me in this way at all before, so with that in mind i cried even more. Finally, i got my emotions under control and we talked about the situation for a few minutes, then i went back to the two's class that i finish my day in. Not two minutes goes by when that teacher notices the same thing and asks me what's wrong and AGAIN, i burst into tears and she hugs me and just tells me it's going to be ok. How great of a job is it that your co workers seriously care about your well being!? I'm very blessed.
Anyway, i guess i can get out of the weekly schedule thing now huh? Haha anyway, i work through my tears though i'm offered to go home, twice, both times i bear through it saying that the migraine and urge to throw up every five seconds from stress will go away once i get some sleep. The kids go home and finally i go home.
Through out the day on tuesday text messages were going back and forth between Sean and i and between the guy i was seeing and myself. The guy i was seeing sent some hurtful texts to me and i more than likely sent some to him as well. I mean, i can understand where he's coming from: We're talking and then BAM! an old flame comes back in the picture and where am i now? But at the same time, i'm stressing and frustrated beyond belief. This is/was not an easy day for me. I get a text from someone whom i'd cared for deeply and might have even loved saying that they feel the same way that i once did and what am i supposed to do? Tell him to toughen up and get over it? Maybe.
See i might have done that if he was the same childish and immature boy that i'd dated 7 months ago. But he's not. He changed everything i never liked about him, and he did it for ME. That right there is a lot of pressure. At the very least, i owe it to him to prove that he's a different person, don't i? At least as a friend? I mean, i've been trying to get my kid sister's mom to forgive me and accept i'm different for years, but she's just not letting that happen. How hypocritical would i be if i ended up doing the same thing to Sean?
Right now, i'm not with anyone. Neither of these guys. I'm choosing to just be friends, because that's all that i can handle. Yes, i might be in love with Sean, but i also really like[d] the other guy as well. How am i supposed to take this? I'm human, i'm not God in any way, i don't have any of the answers! So all i'm doing is praying like my life depends on it [which in a way, it does] and i'm trying to think things through. I removed myself romantically from both guys and am trying to give Sean a chance at redemption for the guy he used to be, even if all we ever amount to is friends.
But i won't lie, in my heart, mind, body and soul - i feel RIGHT with Sean. Everything about him... he drove from Mesa to Avondale to see me for an hour. ONE hour. He held me as he said sorry and it was like everything was right where it should be. His scent was still the same, his arms still made me melt, and his voice just calmed me down. I can't explain it, but i'm terrified. I've always thought i was ready for love, and dying for a serious relationship. Right when i realize that i need to take things extra slow, he comes back into my life and i'm stuck between just being with him, and doing things the right way.
I guess only time will tell. If Sean truly is different, then i might give him another chance. If not, then there are plenty of fish in the sea. But as of right now it is 148am and i'm dead beat tired. G'night blogger friends. Well, whomever it is that's reading this since i don't have any friends on here yet.
<3
For about a week or so i'd been talking to a friend as a little bit more than a friend and things were going well, or so i thought. We had plans to go out for Valentine's day and even see each other virtually the whole weekend. Well, before i get ahead of myself let's review how my week started.
MONDAY: I wake up super late for work [actually getting Julia to school on time, i have to clock in an hour after wards.], find that there's a huge moving truck down the street i normally take to the main street out of my neighborhood so had to take the long way, spilled my coffee all over myself in the car, Jules wasn't exactly cooperating when i dropped her off at class, a certain little boy that likes to push his limits and is built like a mini line backer found it his personal duty to tackle ALL of his friends in the class and deliberately do everything i asked him NOT to do, i didn't get off of work on time, forgot stuff in the classroom and office and kitchen at work and remembered AFTER i had just left the building - EVERY TIME, and came home to get into a fight with my mom about always doing things for me before she gives me a chance to do them myself. But that's not even the best part. The last thing that happened to me Monday night was my ex boyfriend, Sean, the first real relationship i had after leaving my ex husband, tells me that he was in love with me and that's why he left and didn't come back 7 months ago. O.M.Gsh.
TUESDAY: Didn't fall asleep till about 6am, woke up with Jules at 830am, kept my hands busy but my mouth quiet while getting everything ready for work, got to work and did fine until the last break i was doing for a teacher. While in her class i'd been texting Sean and the guy i had been talking to recently and everything slammed into me like a semi truck on the high way. Feelings and emotions completely enveloped me and i broke down, thankfully, it was nap time. When the teacher came back, she noticed i was completely silent and not looking her in the eyes[something i almost always do when talking to someone unless something's wrong], she asked if i was ok and as i walked away i shook my head no. Before i even got to the door she was calling after me and i burst into tears as her arms wrapped around me. I can honestly say that i've never had a co worker care for me in this way at all before, so with that in mind i cried even more. Finally, i got my emotions under control and we talked about the situation for a few minutes, then i went back to the two's class that i finish my day in. Not two minutes goes by when that teacher notices the same thing and asks me what's wrong and AGAIN, i burst into tears and she hugs me and just tells me it's going to be ok. How great of a job is it that your co workers seriously care about your well being!? I'm very blessed.
Anyway, i guess i can get out of the weekly schedule thing now huh? Haha anyway, i work through my tears though i'm offered to go home, twice, both times i bear through it saying that the migraine and urge to throw up every five seconds from stress will go away once i get some sleep. The kids go home and finally i go home.
Through out the day on tuesday text messages were going back and forth between Sean and i and between the guy i was seeing and myself. The guy i was seeing sent some hurtful texts to me and i more than likely sent some to him as well. I mean, i can understand where he's coming from: We're talking and then BAM! an old flame comes back in the picture and where am i now? But at the same time, i'm stressing and frustrated beyond belief. This is/was not an easy day for me. I get a text from someone whom i'd cared for deeply and might have even loved saying that they feel the same way that i once did and what am i supposed to do? Tell him to toughen up and get over it? Maybe.
See i might have done that if he was the same childish and immature boy that i'd dated 7 months ago. But he's not. He changed everything i never liked about him, and he did it for ME. That right there is a lot of pressure. At the very least, i owe it to him to prove that he's a different person, don't i? At least as a friend? I mean, i've been trying to get my kid sister's mom to forgive me and accept i'm different for years, but she's just not letting that happen. How hypocritical would i be if i ended up doing the same thing to Sean?
Right now, i'm not with anyone. Neither of these guys. I'm choosing to just be friends, because that's all that i can handle. Yes, i might be in love with Sean, but i also really like[d] the other guy as well. How am i supposed to take this? I'm human, i'm not God in any way, i don't have any of the answers! So all i'm doing is praying like my life depends on it [which in a way, it does] and i'm trying to think things through. I removed myself romantically from both guys and am trying to give Sean a chance at redemption for the guy he used to be, even if all we ever amount to is friends.
But i won't lie, in my heart, mind, body and soul - i feel RIGHT with Sean. Everything about him... he drove from Mesa to Avondale to see me for an hour. ONE hour. He held me as he said sorry and it was like everything was right where it should be. His scent was still the same, his arms still made me melt, and his voice just calmed me down. I can't explain it, but i'm terrified. I've always thought i was ready for love, and dying for a serious relationship. Right when i realize that i need to take things extra slow, he comes back into my life and i'm stuck between just being with him, and doing things the right way.
I guess only time will tell. If Sean truly is different, then i might give him another chance. If not, then there are plenty of fish in the sea. But as of right now it is 148am and i'm dead beat tired. G'night blogger friends. Well, whomever it is that's reading this since i don't have any friends on here yet.
<3
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
What Do You Do?
My mind's racing with thoughts i can't shake.
My heart's pumping faster with all that's in my mind.
I can't forget this, i can't forget us.
If there was a way to erase it all
You can bet i never would.
I'm tired of running
Tired of hiding
Tired or being alone.
My lips are aching
My heart is breaking.
If there was something i could do.
Something to come back to you,
You can bet that i would.
Baby you should know
My heart and soul is breathing for you.
Now tell me,
What do you do?
In a situation like this,
Do you run away
Or do you stay and fight?
[This was a poem i had running in my mind for a minute or two bouncing idea and words off of one another and decided i should get it written down somewhere before i forgot haha it's nothing in particular and it's not about anyone or for anyone or my feelings about anyone, so let's not get carried away with assumptions haha]
My heart's pumping faster with all that's in my mind.
I can't forget this, i can't forget us.
If there was a way to erase it all
You can bet i never would.
I'm tired of running
Tired of hiding
Tired or being alone.
My lips are aching
My heart is breaking.
If there was something i could do.
Something to come back to you,
You can bet that i would.
Baby you should know
My heart and soul is breathing for you.
Now tell me,
What do you do?
In a situation like this,
Do you run away
Or do you stay and fight?
[This was a poem i had running in my mind for a minute or two bouncing idea and words off of one another and decided i should get it written down somewhere before i forgot haha it's nothing in particular and it's not about anyone or for anyone or my feelings about anyone, so let's not get carried away with assumptions haha]
Tired Confusion Or Real Thoughts?
I'm not sure if it's because i'm exhausted and it's 2 am and i still can't sleep or if they're real thoughts running through my mind that i'll wake up and still be seriously contemplating them, but i figured i might as well get them out.
Have you ever sat back and honestly wondered if you've ever touched someone's life? I've been thinking about it, and tonight i was going through my facebook and thinking about how i used to be so close to so many of them and how each and every one that i was close to, and even those i wasn't close to, have touched my heart deeply and left footprints that'll be there forever.
If there was a way for me to know that i've touched ONE life. And i know that a lot of you are thinking, 'oh well you touch your daughters life every day, you're her mom!' but i'm talking about something different than that. Something equally deep on a different level. A friend or a stranger or someone that you've never known well but have always known of. I guess a lot of the time i just really wonder what people's true impressions of me are.
I've always wanted to change lives. Most of the time a child's life, but more and more lately, i've been seeing my friends so down and depressed about life not dealing them want they want out of life and getting so angry and frustrated. I know, i've been there. Sometimes i still am there. I've had countless meaningful conversations with a lot of my close and personal friends, and even friends that aren't that personal. If someone asks for advice i always try and give the best that i can, regardless of if i practice what i preach, because let's be honest, it's a lot harder than it sounds. But out of all those friends, all those conversations, have i made a difference?
Is there anyone out there that was changed, moved, inspired by me? I guess it's just one of those things that i've wondered. We come into contact with thousands of people over our lifetime. And all i want, is to leave this world knowing that one life is changed because of me.
Hopefully that made sense haha i'm rather tired.
<3
Have you ever sat back and honestly wondered if you've ever touched someone's life? I've been thinking about it, and tonight i was going through my facebook and thinking about how i used to be so close to so many of them and how each and every one that i was close to, and even those i wasn't close to, have touched my heart deeply and left footprints that'll be there forever.
If there was a way for me to know that i've touched ONE life. And i know that a lot of you are thinking, 'oh well you touch your daughters life every day, you're her mom!' but i'm talking about something different than that. Something equally deep on a different level. A friend or a stranger or someone that you've never known well but have always known of. I guess a lot of the time i just really wonder what people's true impressions of me are.
I've always wanted to change lives. Most of the time a child's life, but more and more lately, i've been seeing my friends so down and depressed about life not dealing them want they want out of life and getting so angry and frustrated. I know, i've been there. Sometimes i still am there. I've had countless meaningful conversations with a lot of my close and personal friends, and even friends that aren't that personal. If someone asks for advice i always try and give the best that i can, regardless of if i practice what i preach, because let's be honest, it's a lot harder than it sounds. But out of all those friends, all those conversations, have i made a difference?
Is there anyone out there that was changed, moved, inspired by me? I guess it's just one of those things that i've wondered. We come into contact with thousands of people over our lifetime. And all i want, is to leave this world knowing that one life is changed because of me.
Hopefully that made sense haha i'm rather tired.
<3
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Just One Word
This past week has been pretty intense. Julia and everyone in our house have been sick with this bad head cold that seems to be going around. Julia only went to school 1 day this week and i only made it to work 3 days out of 5. First, i have to just state for the record how incredibly amazing it is to be able to text your boss about your incredibly sick daughter and have them ask if you'd like the day off and not pressuring you to be there regardless of family problems. How blessed am i? Very. Julia went into the urgent care today and got medication so she'll be fine and thankfully it's nothing too serious. But let me also say, it's so incredible to have your boss say "I'll be praying for you and for Julia." I mean really? Am i the only one who is in complete awe of my bosses and co workers?
Thursday was my first staff meeting. But that's not what it felt like in the slightest. I mean free mexican food dinner, taking prayer requests, cracking jokes, being open about our lives and trusting those we work with to not take advantage of that information? It's empowering. Not to mention we got to play a game like we were preschoolers :) Kinda my forte if you ask me haha! This meeting, these women, they're more than just people i work with, they're so much more than the faces i see on a daily basis with no names. These women are family, I AM part of their family, just thinking about that makes me tear up because in all of my experience of working, there's been drama and problems between others. But this Christ like environment, oh, it definitely makes a difference.
At the meeting my boss faced us with a challenge. Every year on January 1st we make "promises" to ourselves about all of our biggest problem areas and majority of the time, we break those within the first 3 or 4 months of the year. Instead of picking one very specific aspect of your life, pick ONE WORD. One word that you put in your own definition and have it more in your life and that one word is what you work on all year.
My word: LOVE. I've had a lot of problems with this in the past, being selfish and not truly loving those that are in my life that i care about. Even those that i don't care about. My challenge to myself is to love more often, love more freely, and just love everyone around me whether they deserve it or not. My goal? To change my world. Notice my wording. Not THE world, because that's just too big of a chunk to take on right now or for one person. But i want to change MY world. Everyone that i come into contact with, whether i know them or if they're strangers. If i see you walking in the store, i'm going to smile at you and try to send the message of love. That verse? "Love your neighbor." No one really does that anymore. It's all about people they've met and come to grow on and know deeply. Everyone deserves love in all kinds of ways. Love as a friend, acquaintance, significant other, family member - whatever the case may be. LOVE is my word. And i want you to know, no matter who you are, whether i know you or not, whether we've had rough times, good times, i've hated you, you've hated me; i'm done with it. I. LOVE. YOU. Plain and simple.
<3
That heart, is just for you. Whomever might stumble across my page. And i challenge you, like my boss challenged me. Pick a word that stands out to you, and proceed to make a REAL change in your life, attitude and demeanor. Just wait and see how one word can change your life in just one year.
Thursday was my first staff meeting. But that's not what it felt like in the slightest. I mean free mexican food dinner, taking prayer requests, cracking jokes, being open about our lives and trusting those we work with to not take advantage of that information? It's empowering. Not to mention we got to play a game like we were preschoolers :) Kinda my forte if you ask me haha! This meeting, these women, they're more than just people i work with, they're so much more than the faces i see on a daily basis with no names. These women are family, I AM part of their family, just thinking about that makes me tear up because in all of my experience of working, there's been drama and problems between others. But this Christ like environment, oh, it definitely makes a difference.
At the meeting my boss faced us with a challenge. Every year on January 1st we make "promises" to ourselves about all of our biggest problem areas and majority of the time, we break those within the first 3 or 4 months of the year. Instead of picking one very specific aspect of your life, pick ONE WORD. One word that you put in your own definition and have it more in your life and that one word is what you work on all year.
My word: LOVE. I've had a lot of problems with this in the past, being selfish and not truly loving those that are in my life that i care about. Even those that i don't care about. My challenge to myself is to love more often, love more freely, and just love everyone around me whether they deserve it or not. My goal? To change my world. Notice my wording. Not THE world, because that's just too big of a chunk to take on right now or for one person. But i want to change MY world. Everyone that i come into contact with, whether i know them or if they're strangers. If i see you walking in the store, i'm going to smile at you and try to send the message of love. That verse? "Love your neighbor." No one really does that anymore. It's all about people they've met and come to grow on and know deeply. Everyone deserves love in all kinds of ways. Love as a friend, acquaintance, significant other, family member - whatever the case may be. LOVE is my word. And i want you to know, no matter who you are, whether i know you or not, whether we've had rough times, good times, i've hated you, you've hated me; i'm done with it. I. LOVE. YOU. Plain and simple.
<3
That heart, is just for you. Whomever might stumble across my page. And i challenge you, like my boss challenged me. Pick a word that stands out to you, and proceed to make a REAL change in your life, attitude and demeanor. Just wait and see how one word can change your life in just one year.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
A New Year, A New Beginning, A Whole New Me
I know i'm about a month late but it's February 2nd and already this year is completely amazing. It started with my beautiful daughter turning 1 year old. Her party was adorable in all aspects and i was pleased as punch for all the friends and family that got to share it with her and i. I still haven't sent out the thank you cards, dang it, i guess because i always forget to write things like that down. Haha!
Well where to go from there. I had been planning to start school for medical assisting in March, but on a whim had looked at want ads on craigslist. I found one for a Christian preschool and just felt a tug to apply. So, not even thinking twice about it, or thinking i'd get a call back for that matter, i applied online at their website and continued on my normal stay at home mommy day. The next day i had a voice mail left on my phone while Julia and i were taking a nap and they had wanted to set up an interview. Dumb founded i called back and proceeded to have a phone interview. After the weekend was over i showed up to my interview and the director and assistant director were so personable and sweet that my heart just felt completely at home right away. Towards the end of the interview they asked me when i'd be able to do a working interview where i get to work with the kids for a couple hours and have the employees evaluate my working skills with the kids and efficiency of cleaning up the room and keeping a schedule. Which i happened to agree to come back in a couple of hours. When i did the working interview, i loved it completely. It had been almost 2 years since i'd worked with children in a preschool/day care setting and my heart was over flowing with joy and love for these kids whom i'd never met or seen before.
After being pulled out of the working interview the director asked me how it went and honestly, if i had walked out of that facility with just that one day of seeing and playing with kids after going almost 2 years without it, i would have been satisfied. After turning the corner in the hall to the desk she handed me an employee packet and said "We'd love for you to join our team." All joking aside, i wanted to cry. God had just handed me an amazingly beautiful and perfect job to me when i had least expected it or least wanted it.
January 27th was my last day of unemployment and January 28th was my first day at a job i've already grown to love so quickly. And this is only blessing number 1.
Saturday January 29th, coincidentally my best friend Marie's birthday, my friend Melissa had asked me to come to church with her at Palm Valley, about ten minutes from my house. Idk what it was but i got incredibly excited and anxious and told her i'd meet her there when the service was supposed to start. [Now before i go on about that amazing night, there's a little history here. The pastor of Palm Valley Church or PVC is Greg Rholinger(sp?). From the time i was 1 or 2 until 16 or so i went to Desert Springs Community Church, at that church Greg and his wife came to be youth pastors and i've known them since i was about 2 or 3.] Now i'm a real wuss when it comes to meeting friends places without a friend of my own with me to fill that gap of awkward loneliness until the friend i'm expecting shows up, so when Melissa told me she was running late i was thinking about waiting in the car, but i had Julia with me. As i got her out of the car thinking that i'd sign her into the nursery and just wait in the lobby i looked at the front doors of the church and felt a sudden calmness. This was probably the first time i'd ever been comfortable walking into an unfamiliar place and not worried about what people would think of me.
Instantly i felt welcomed, loved and had a sense of home. I was shown where to sign Julia in and out of the nursery and Melissa her husband and friend showed up and we went into the service. THIS is where things come together. This sermon. A sermon about addiction, how everyone has one no matter how legal or illegal it might be. But it wasn't the topic alone that changed me, it was Greg's testimony. The fact that he had gone through so much in his youth, drugs, alcohol, sex, dealing and all kinds of things, but yet he held a strong passion for Christ because one night he fell to his knees. At this point i was already hooked and thinking about making PVC my home church. What pushed me over the top and really changed my life, was what he said after sharing his testimony. That i have issues. I am imperfect. I am a sinner and will undoubtedly lose my way a few times before my life is over. But no matter how messed up of a sinner i am, no matter what i did last night or a few hours ago, Christ will forgive me and will always love me. That everyone in that sanctuary was messed up and addicts of some kind and that we were all just messed up sinning children of God coming together to help each other on our walks with Christ to get closer to Him. THIS IS YOUR HOME. This is your home because you have one messed up, drug dealing, dope using, alcohol drinking, sex having pastor. [Not that he still does that haha but he USED TO]. And that was it for my life as i knew it. At the end of that sermon on January 29th of 2011, the same day as my best friends birthday, i renewed my dedication to the Lord.
Not just a flimsy, i feel empowered now but later i'll keep doing whatever i have been doing rededication, but a true, real, ever so meaningful rededication to Him. I'm changing my life to be more like Him. I'm planning on becoming a member of PVC and dedicating my daughter in the middle of this month. Blessing number 2? Finally figuring out where my life needs to be. With Christ.
Now i have two great things happen since 2011 started. 1. A great new Christian job 2. A new REAL faith in Jesus Christ how can there be more? Oh but there is.
For the first time in my 22 years of living, i will FINALLY have plans for Valentines day. My 23rd Valentine's Day is going to be the very first one i'll have a date and actually be going out with someone for a real dinner and a real date. This might seem trivial to you, but for someone who's always dreamed of a 'happily ever after' and longs for romance, this is a big deal for me.
It's only February 2nd of 2011 and God has already blessed my life so richly with new and exciting things i can't even begin to imagine how this year is going to end. But it's all in His hands. My life is not my own. It's His. I feel a new over flowing and over whelming joy and love in my heart and life. I'm smiling more and loving more freely, i'm caring about my friends easier than before and hating my enemies is harder than before. Nothing can ever compare to crying out to God and feeling Him answer you and let you know that He is here with you. Amazing.
That's all for now, but it's just been filling up my heart and i needed to share it with the world. <3
-Stephanie Lynn
Well where to go from there. I had been planning to start school for medical assisting in March, but on a whim had looked at want ads on craigslist. I found one for a Christian preschool and just felt a tug to apply. So, not even thinking twice about it, or thinking i'd get a call back for that matter, i applied online at their website and continued on my normal stay at home mommy day. The next day i had a voice mail left on my phone while Julia and i were taking a nap and they had wanted to set up an interview. Dumb founded i called back and proceeded to have a phone interview. After the weekend was over i showed up to my interview and the director and assistant director were so personable and sweet that my heart just felt completely at home right away. Towards the end of the interview they asked me when i'd be able to do a working interview where i get to work with the kids for a couple hours and have the employees evaluate my working skills with the kids and efficiency of cleaning up the room and keeping a schedule. Which i happened to agree to come back in a couple of hours. When i did the working interview, i loved it completely. It had been almost 2 years since i'd worked with children in a preschool/day care setting and my heart was over flowing with joy and love for these kids whom i'd never met or seen before.
After being pulled out of the working interview the director asked me how it went and honestly, if i had walked out of that facility with just that one day of seeing and playing with kids after going almost 2 years without it, i would have been satisfied. After turning the corner in the hall to the desk she handed me an employee packet and said "We'd love for you to join our team." All joking aside, i wanted to cry. God had just handed me an amazingly beautiful and perfect job to me when i had least expected it or least wanted it.
January 27th was my last day of unemployment and January 28th was my first day at a job i've already grown to love so quickly. And this is only blessing number 1.
Saturday January 29th, coincidentally my best friend Marie's birthday, my friend Melissa had asked me to come to church with her at Palm Valley, about ten minutes from my house. Idk what it was but i got incredibly excited and anxious and told her i'd meet her there when the service was supposed to start. [Now before i go on about that amazing night, there's a little history here. The pastor of Palm Valley Church or PVC is Greg Rholinger(sp?). From the time i was 1 or 2 until 16 or so i went to Desert Springs Community Church, at that church Greg and his wife came to be youth pastors and i've known them since i was about 2 or 3.] Now i'm a real wuss when it comes to meeting friends places without a friend of my own with me to fill that gap of awkward loneliness until the friend i'm expecting shows up, so when Melissa told me she was running late i was thinking about waiting in the car, but i had Julia with me. As i got her out of the car thinking that i'd sign her into the nursery and just wait in the lobby i looked at the front doors of the church and felt a sudden calmness. This was probably the first time i'd ever been comfortable walking into an unfamiliar place and not worried about what people would think of me.
Instantly i felt welcomed, loved and had a sense of home. I was shown where to sign Julia in and out of the nursery and Melissa her husband and friend showed up and we went into the service. THIS is where things come together. This sermon. A sermon about addiction, how everyone has one no matter how legal or illegal it might be. But it wasn't the topic alone that changed me, it was Greg's testimony. The fact that he had gone through so much in his youth, drugs, alcohol, sex, dealing and all kinds of things, but yet he held a strong passion for Christ because one night he fell to his knees. At this point i was already hooked and thinking about making PVC my home church. What pushed me over the top and really changed my life, was what he said after sharing his testimony. That i have issues. I am imperfect. I am a sinner and will undoubtedly lose my way a few times before my life is over. But no matter how messed up of a sinner i am, no matter what i did last night or a few hours ago, Christ will forgive me and will always love me. That everyone in that sanctuary was messed up and addicts of some kind and that we were all just messed up sinning children of God coming together to help each other on our walks with Christ to get closer to Him. THIS IS YOUR HOME. This is your home because you have one messed up, drug dealing, dope using, alcohol drinking, sex having pastor. [Not that he still does that haha but he USED TO]. And that was it for my life as i knew it. At the end of that sermon on January 29th of 2011, the same day as my best friends birthday, i renewed my dedication to the Lord.
Not just a flimsy, i feel empowered now but later i'll keep doing whatever i have been doing rededication, but a true, real, ever so meaningful rededication to Him. I'm changing my life to be more like Him. I'm planning on becoming a member of PVC and dedicating my daughter in the middle of this month. Blessing number 2? Finally figuring out where my life needs to be. With Christ.
Now i have two great things happen since 2011 started. 1. A great new Christian job 2. A new REAL faith in Jesus Christ how can there be more? Oh but there is.
For the first time in my 22 years of living, i will FINALLY have plans for Valentines day. My 23rd Valentine's Day is going to be the very first one i'll have a date and actually be going out with someone for a real dinner and a real date. This might seem trivial to you, but for someone who's always dreamed of a 'happily ever after' and longs for romance, this is a big deal for me.
It's only February 2nd of 2011 and God has already blessed my life so richly with new and exciting things i can't even begin to imagine how this year is going to end. But it's all in His hands. My life is not my own. It's His. I feel a new over flowing and over whelming joy and love in my heart and life. I'm smiling more and loving more freely, i'm caring about my friends easier than before and hating my enemies is harder than before. Nothing can ever compare to crying out to God and feeling Him answer you and let you know that He is here with you. Amazing.
That's all for now, but it's just been filling up my heart and i needed to share it with the world. <3
-Stephanie Lynn
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