A lot of people worry too much. What if I don't make enough this paycheck? What if she doesn't love me? Will I be good enough at this job I just landed? Should I move? Should I let him in? Question after question just keeps bombarding your mind and soon enough you don't know how NOT to worry anymore.
I've been there. Worrying so much about so many of the most insignificant things that life itself just passed me by. In the blink of an eye, my daughter turned two. My marriage was destroyed, my friendships were lost, family was turned into enemy. And all for what? My pride? Maybe. Or was it because I was constantly worrying too much about what other people would think, was it because too many days I spent worrying about pleasing all my friends or family or co-workers that I forgot, occasionally I need to be selfish? Ya, I'm pretty sure it was that one.
Most people, men and women alike, go through this life, obsessed with over thinking, planning, analyzing and just focusing far too much attention on the future. The days that are coming or the days that have passed. Not enough of us focus on the day that we're living in or the moment we're currently experiencing.
Granted I completely understand wanting to think about the future and planning ahead, it's natural to want to be prepared for a number of things. But putting all of your energy into not making mistakes or consuming all of you time and energy with thinking about what you want to do for the next 5-10 years is entirely ludicrous. No one, anywhere, could possibly plan anything.
You could always think about the things that you'd like to get done, but LIFE happens. Plans change and there's nothing that anyone can do about it. You have to remember that God woke you up this morning. You have to keep the understanding that you were given a miracle when you opened your eyes to see another day. Most people take these simplicities for granted unless they've seen death themselves. Tomorrow is most certainly NOT guaranteed. Today is all you have, and the more that you view it that way, the more that you'll realize what's important.
Now, am I saying that it's silly to make plans or have goals? Not at all. Having goals and dreams are great things to have and give us all a sense of sincere accomplishment whenever it is that we reach our goals and achieve our dreams. But you can't plan out the journey on how you get there. All you have is where you are and where you want to be. Everything in between on getting to your destination is a mystery that only God knows.
I'm still learning. I'm still growing as a woman and a human. God is molding me into the person that I know He wants me to be. But there are only so many things in this life that we can control. Our happiness is definitely one of them. If you choose to be in a good mood, to accept the things that you cannot alter, you'll find yourself in a state of comfort. It's a lot easier to accomplish your tasks in every day life if you hold the demeanor of a positive attitude.
A friend once told me that being a pessimist was ruining my life. That it was slowly killing me. She was right, to a certain extent. Constantly being negative made me anxious and afraid to embrace the person that I was or the friends that I had around me. Being so negative minded was slowly eating away at my mentality and personality that every one of my friends had known and loved about me. That's what she meant about me slowly dying because of all my negative attitudes.
The day that I finally realized I needed to change myself FOR myself was the best day that I'd had in a long while. I needed to admit to myself what my problems were and I needed to admit to the people I was hurting that I wasn't intending to do so. There are too many people in this world with opinions and advice that they're dying to feed into someone's mind. But you can't please them all.
The only person that you should worry about pleasing their opinions, is yourself. If you're satisfied with what you're doing and you're pleased with the progress you're making, THAT is all that matters. It doesn't matter where you are, or who you're surrounded by. Once you can admit to yourself, that it's ok to be a little selfish and that it's ok for you to want things that other people will be hurt by you wanting, you'll actually feel a little better about yourself.
Taking care of your feelings and your emotions isn't a bad thing as long as you acknowledge the fact that the other person or people have feelings that might differ from yours. There is always going to be someone that's unhappy with your decision. Always. There's always going to be someone that doesn't want you to do what ever it is that you want to do, because they want something different. All you can do is apologize that you don't see eye to eye. And if they love you, if they truly care about you, personally, then they won't be upset at you. They'll simply support you.
Whether it's a relationship of intimacy or a plutonic relationship, that other person will always try to put themselves in your shoes to better understand you and your wants and desires. It might not be easy, but the fact that they try is what really matters. Not putting a time stamp on an intimate relationship flourishing into something more, being open minded about a situation that you've never been in, thinking outside the box when it comes to your emotions and theirs is essential.
Everyone has an opinion, and every person on this earth is entitled to that. But their opinion is all they're entitled to. No one can ever make you change your mind unless you're willing to have it changed. I know from personal experience.
One day you'll look into the eyes of a man or woman that you would do anything for. And only when you're put into that situation you're so adamant you would never ever be in, can you honestly say what you would do. Never say never. You shouldn't assume what you would or wouldn't do until you've gone through that exact situation and going through a similar one doesn't count.
I can't tell you what I have planned for next year, I couldn't even tell you what I have planned for next week. All I can tell you are the hopes that I have and the desires I'm hoping to achieve. Granted, planning might be helpful when you have a busy schedule, but please try to remember that you can't plan the journey from where you are to your destination. All you can plan on is what you hope you can accomplish from getting to point B from point A.
Just some food for thought.
-Stephanie
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Monday, September 26, 2011
It's time...
Today I made an awesome realization. Or at least I think it's an awesome one. As I was going through my "Weheartit" profile and looking at different pictures, quotes, and other random girly things I found a quote with a little girls face next to it saying, "Don't say 'I wish' - Say 'I will'".
That really got me thinking. How many times have I told myself, "Oh I wish I could lose weight." or "I wish I could save my money." I wish, I wish, I wish... that's all I've ever told myself in my mind. Can you imagine the possibilities if i replaced 'I wish' with 'I will'?! "I will lose weight" "I will eat healthy" "I will save money" "I will be a better mom" "I will keep going when times get hard" I will, I will, I will!
The more that I think about it the more it dawns on me how much of my life I've wasted being upset, angry or hurt with the world or specific people in it. Soldiers have fought and DIED for my freedom to go out and live my life the way that they can't anymore. Kids and adults alike have taken their lives or had their lives taken from them from bullying or not being able to overcome those insecurities and fears that other had drilled into their heads of them not being good enough. What am I doing to their memory by being bitter and pessimistic? I'm insulting them.
I have the ability to get up out of bed with a skip in my step and a song in my heart, some thing that a lot of people have died wishing they could do. Happiness isn't about what you have or who you're dating, it's not even about the friends you spend your day with or the family members in your life that you love unconditionally.
Happiness is about CHOOSING to smile, sing, laugh and dance through out your day DESPITE all the terrible things going on. It's a state of mind, not a destination. You could be married to the man of your dreams, in a beautiful house with nice cars, tons of fancy clothes and not have any financial problems whatsoever - BUT - You could still be anything but happy.
IDK where all of this came from, and to be quite blunt, I don't give a damn. All I know is that it really touches and warms my soul to know that I can let it go. It's going to be a struggle on a daily basis for me and I know I'm going to have a really hard time with it, but it's time. To let all of my negative emotions go and embrace God, Jesus and all the love in the world and pass it on.
It's time to build up the world, not be afraid to live in it.
That really got me thinking. How many times have I told myself, "Oh I wish I could lose weight." or "I wish I could save my money." I wish, I wish, I wish... that's all I've ever told myself in my mind. Can you imagine the possibilities if i replaced 'I wish' with 'I will'?! "I will lose weight" "I will eat healthy" "I will save money" "I will be a better mom" "I will keep going when times get hard" I will, I will, I will!
The more that I think about it the more it dawns on me how much of my life I've wasted being upset, angry or hurt with the world or specific people in it. Soldiers have fought and DIED for my freedom to go out and live my life the way that they can't anymore. Kids and adults alike have taken their lives or had their lives taken from them from bullying or not being able to overcome those insecurities and fears that other had drilled into their heads of them not being good enough. What am I doing to their memory by being bitter and pessimistic? I'm insulting them.
I have the ability to get up out of bed with a skip in my step and a song in my heart, some thing that a lot of people have died wishing they could do. Happiness isn't about what you have or who you're dating, it's not even about the friends you spend your day with or the family members in your life that you love unconditionally.
Happiness is about CHOOSING to smile, sing, laugh and dance through out your day DESPITE all the terrible things going on. It's a state of mind, not a destination. You could be married to the man of your dreams, in a beautiful house with nice cars, tons of fancy clothes and not have any financial problems whatsoever - BUT - You could still be anything but happy.
IDK where all of this came from, and to be quite blunt, I don't give a damn. All I know is that it really touches and warms my soul to know that I can let it go. It's going to be a struggle on a daily basis for me and I know I'm going to have a really hard time with it, but it's time. To let all of my negative emotions go and embrace God, Jesus and all the love in the world and pass it on.
It's time to build up the world, not be afraid to live in it.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
The Secret Life of the American Single Mom
A lot of my friends have been completely obsessed with a show called "The Secret Life of the American Teenager". At first I thought the show was a complete annoyance, I'd seen an episode or two but just didn't get the whole hubub about it. Until recently.
It's amazing to me how in high school we have such severe tunnel vision for thinking that we can fall in love in a matter of a few days or the pressures of having sex and the consequences of sex like getting pregnant or contracting an STD.
As an adult it becomes so much less likely to fall in love so quickly and sex is just a fact of life and not so much of an issue about whether to have it or not to have it, it's a matter of how soon in a relationship to start having it. The funny thing about this show is that it's called the SECRET life of the american teenager and every "secret" in the show almost immediately gets out after it happens.
My life lately has been a secret life, not that anyone is going to know what's actually going on in my life now, but I just need to vent some things out. Right now my life is in a calm-like chaos and I just need to figure out why it is that while everything is spinning out of control I don't feel anything. In my own life I just don't feel anything, if something sad happens I'm not sad I'm indifferent. If something happy happens I'm still indifferent. If something that should anger me happens I'm indifferent.
The only time I cry or laugh or get mad is when I'm watching a show. It might sound pathetic but it's true. If I'm watching a show and getting more of an emotional reaction from fiction than my own life isn't that completely lame? Ugh.. I think it is, but at the same time I don't feel anything from it. It's almost like I'm completely desensitized by all the failure in my life lately, to the point where nothing that happens in my life comes as a surprise if it's a negative surprise.
The ONLY thing in my life worth anything right now is my daughter. She's my everything and the only reason why I keep going with my life is because of her.
Julia is my world and everything in it.
It's amazing to me how in high school we have such severe tunnel vision for thinking that we can fall in love in a matter of a few days or the pressures of having sex and the consequences of sex like getting pregnant or contracting an STD.
As an adult it becomes so much less likely to fall in love so quickly and sex is just a fact of life and not so much of an issue about whether to have it or not to have it, it's a matter of how soon in a relationship to start having it. The funny thing about this show is that it's called the SECRET life of the american teenager and every "secret" in the show almost immediately gets out after it happens.
My life lately has been a secret life, not that anyone is going to know what's actually going on in my life now, but I just need to vent some things out. Right now my life is in a calm-like chaos and I just need to figure out why it is that while everything is spinning out of control I don't feel anything. In my own life I just don't feel anything, if something sad happens I'm not sad I'm indifferent. If something happy happens I'm still indifferent. If something that should anger me happens I'm indifferent.
The only time I cry or laugh or get mad is when I'm watching a show. It might sound pathetic but it's true. If I'm watching a show and getting more of an emotional reaction from fiction than my own life isn't that completely lame? Ugh.. I think it is, but at the same time I don't feel anything from it. It's almost like I'm completely desensitized by all the failure in my life lately, to the point where nothing that happens in my life comes as a surprise if it's a negative surprise.
The ONLY thing in my life worth anything right now is my daughter. She's my everything and the only reason why I keep going with my life is because of her.
Julia is my world and everything in it.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Standing At A Crossroad
Well, i've been debating about writing this particular blog for a day or so. Actually, a little bit longer, but there's some happenings that are recent and i wasn't sure if i should write about it or not. But like all other instances, when my mind is clouded even after long sessions of prayer i always end up blogging to get my thoughts out in writing.
I guess we should start with the lesser of two very concerning topics in my life. And i know that everyone who reads this is going to roll their eyes and probably go back to whatever it is that they were doing. BUT i honestly don't care anymore. So, i don't know if any of you remember, but i wrote a blog months ago i think it was titled "Just like parking spots all the good guys are taken" or something along those lines. Well, that guy, the one that i was finally willing to open up to and be with, we're kind of talking again. As in more than friends. He's in a rough situation where he can't break up with his "girlfriend" [i say that in quotation because everyone he's friends with knows he doesn't want to be with her, AT ALL anymore]. She's crazy and will most definitely kick him out and not care about his responsibilities that he has to take care of at all and he can't move out until around summer time.
The part that's really crazy isn't the fact that i really like a guy that's got a girlfriend and we have to sneak around to see each other and keep everything quiet. What's crazy is that being with him and around him feels so right that all the "wrong" doesn't feel wrong at all. It's making do with what you have until you're able to get something better. And if i had a friend that was telling me what i'm writing right now, i'm pretty sure that i'd tell them to get a grip and wait until he's completely broken up with that girl and doesn't have to hide you in the shadows... but i honestly can't help it.
It's not like he's battling his emotions about how he feels about this girl and how he feels about me, he's made it obvious that she doesn't make him happy at all anymore and that i do. I guess there are just moments that i feel like a dirty little secret when him and i haven't even done anything. I get mad butterflies and i'm always wearing a cheesy smile whenever i talk to him, everyone around me notices the difference between him texting/calling me and someone else. I just get instantaneously happy, and i don't ever want that feeling to go away. I've gone so so long with being sad and depressed but hiding that behind a fake smile that i wear so well that no one can tell it's fake.
This smile, this dorkishly cheesy smile i get when i talk to him, think about him, text him, see him, this smile is real. This happy feeling is real, and if only a fraction of what he's told me is true than i know that he feels the same way about me. How can i just let that go and sit back and watch both of us be miserable until his situation ends? I can't. I know it's selfish and i know i should step back and just wait it out, but i can't. More than that, i won't. No matter what any one thinks, i have a right to be happy. If he makes me happy regardless of this super messed up situation than that's what i'm going to go with.
Don't think i'm dumb. I know what everyone says about me when i'm not around when it comes to the guys. "Oh she falls for every guy she sees that tells her sweet things." "She's super desperate to fall in love." "She needs to let go of being with a guy to find happiness and just focus on her daughter." Well each and every one of you can take your words and shove them where the sun don't shine. I DO NOT fall for every guy, or any guy for that matter, because regardless of what ya'll think, I'M SMART about who i open up to, truly. Yes, i might say they make me happy and at that moment, hey! guess what? I more than likely AM happy with them. But my being happy about them or with them does NOT mean i fell for them. And who seriously cares if i'm desperate for love? Aren't we all? I mean we find so many things in life to fill that void in our hearts that only one other person can fill. What is so WRONG with me wanting to have someone actually care about me and my feelings? Everyone acts like it's a sin to want to be wanted or need to be needed, well i sure don't. Love is love. It has no time line to follow, when it happens, it happens regardless of if it's been days or years. As for focusing on my daughter, i do that EVERY day, and anyone who thinks other wise is going to get the wrath of an angry momma. EVERYTHING i do is for my baby girl. EVERYTHING. She is who i think of foremost and always. So if i'm doing something you might not agree with and don't think it's best for my daughter than you don't know what's really going on because i would NEVER jeopardize my daughter in any way shape or form at all. To be honest, it seriously makes my blood boil when friends tell me i need to just focus on her like i haven't been doing that since the instant i found out i was pregnant.
Julia is my LIFE, without her i wouldn't exist as the woman i am today. And maybe one day when you have kids or maybe one day when you actually spend a day as ME you can tell me what i should and should not do. Till then, don't tell me your opinion unless i specifically ask for it. When i vent, i vent. When i ask for advice, i ask for advice specifically. The two will never EVER cross.
Ok... now for the harder part of this blog that every time i think about it my stomach churns a guilty feeling that makes me want to throw up. I have a friend, literally a friend and NOT me, swear. But she's pregnant and i used to think she was ready for a baby and totally responsible, part of me still does. But i heard some seriously disturbing news that just makes me so scared for her and her baby. I'm not going into specifics, but it's not good. It borderlines something that if i found out a parent at my work was doing i'd have to report them to CPS. I want to talk to her and tell her that what she's thinking about doing is seriously not right, not only for caring for a baby, but as being a mother. I know i'm not perfect, i never have been and i never will be, but there are some things that i know if i get a sick feeling to my stomach i know it's wrong. God blessed me with a physical sickness to know if something is wrong with what i'm doing and when i heard her words that feeling enveloped me and i almost ran to the bathroom to throw up.
I guess i don't know what to do. I love my friend, and granted i've made some major mistakes in my past that doesn't mean that i want any of my friends to go through the guilty conscience that i lived with. I'm just stuck, she's a very good friend of mine and i really didn't know she was capable of doing what i found out. But apparently, she is and it saddens and sickens me to my core at the same time. It just worries me that something is going to happen. Infants and children are entirely dependent and trusting on us as parents to make sure they're well taken care of and fed and healthy. We can't do that if we're impaired. It could be dangerous in one too many ways.
I guess at this moment i'll just pray that God will touch her and help her realize that it's not right and she should rethink things. Phew, i really do feel a lot better now that i got that off my chest.
I guess we should start with the lesser of two very concerning topics in my life. And i know that everyone who reads this is going to roll their eyes and probably go back to whatever it is that they were doing. BUT i honestly don't care anymore. So, i don't know if any of you remember, but i wrote a blog months ago i think it was titled "Just like parking spots all the good guys are taken" or something along those lines. Well, that guy, the one that i was finally willing to open up to and be with, we're kind of talking again. As in more than friends. He's in a rough situation where he can't break up with his "girlfriend" [i say that in quotation because everyone he's friends with knows he doesn't want to be with her, AT ALL anymore]. She's crazy and will most definitely kick him out and not care about his responsibilities that he has to take care of at all and he can't move out until around summer time.
The part that's really crazy isn't the fact that i really like a guy that's got a girlfriend and we have to sneak around to see each other and keep everything quiet. What's crazy is that being with him and around him feels so right that all the "wrong" doesn't feel wrong at all. It's making do with what you have until you're able to get something better. And if i had a friend that was telling me what i'm writing right now, i'm pretty sure that i'd tell them to get a grip and wait until he's completely broken up with that girl and doesn't have to hide you in the shadows... but i honestly can't help it.
It's not like he's battling his emotions about how he feels about this girl and how he feels about me, he's made it obvious that she doesn't make him happy at all anymore and that i do. I guess there are just moments that i feel like a dirty little secret when him and i haven't even done anything. I get mad butterflies and i'm always wearing a cheesy smile whenever i talk to him, everyone around me notices the difference between him texting/calling me and someone else. I just get instantaneously happy, and i don't ever want that feeling to go away. I've gone so so long with being sad and depressed but hiding that behind a fake smile that i wear so well that no one can tell it's fake.
This smile, this dorkishly cheesy smile i get when i talk to him, think about him, text him, see him, this smile is real. This happy feeling is real, and if only a fraction of what he's told me is true than i know that he feels the same way about me. How can i just let that go and sit back and watch both of us be miserable until his situation ends? I can't. I know it's selfish and i know i should step back and just wait it out, but i can't. More than that, i won't. No matter what any one thinks, i have a right to be happy. If he makes me happy regardless of this super messed up situation than that's what i'm going to go with.
Don't think i'm dumb. I know what everyone says about me when i'm not around when it comes to the guys. "Oh she falls for every guy she sees that tells her sweet things." "She's super desperate to fall in love." "She needs to let go of being with a guy to find happiness and just focus on her daughter." Well each and every one of you can take your words and shove them where the sun don't shine. I DO NOT fall for every guy, or any guy for that matter, because regardless of what ya'll think, I'M SMART about who i open up to, truly. Yes, i might say they make me happy and at that moment, hey! guess what? I more than likely AM happy with them. But my being happy about them or with them does NOT mean i fell for them. And who seriously cares if i'm desperate for love? Aren't we all? I mean we find so many things in life to fill that void in our hearts that only one other person can fill. What is so WRONG with me wanting to have someone actually care about me and my feelings? Everyone acts like it's a sin to want to be wanted or need to be needed, well i sure don't. Love is love. It has no time line to follow, when it happens, it happens regardless of if it's been days or years. As for focusing on my daughter, i do that EVERY day, and anyone who thinks other wise is going to get the wrath of an angry momma. EVERYTHING i do is for my baby girl. EVERYTHING. She is who i think of foremost and always. So if i'm doing something you might not agree with and don't think it's best for my daughter than you don't know what's really going on because i would NEVER jeopardize my daughter in any way shape or form at all. To be honest, it seriously makes my blood boil when friends tell me i need to just focus on her like i haven't been doing that since the instant i found out i was pregnant.
Julia is my LIFE, without her i wouldn't exist as the woman i am today. And maybe one day when you have kids or maybe one day when you actually spend a day as ME you can tell me what i should and should not do. Till then, don't tell me your opinion unless i specifically ask for it. When i vent, i vent. When i ask for advice, i ask for advice specifically. The two will never EVER cross.
Ok... now for the harder part of this blog that every time i think about it my stomach churns a guilty feeling that makes me want to throw up. I have a friend, literally a friend and NOT me, swear. But she's pregnant and i used to think she was ready for a baby and totally responsible, part of me still does. But i heard some seriously disturbing news that just makes me so scared for her and her baby. I'm not going into specifics, but it's not good. It borderlines something that if i found out a parent at my work was doing i'd have to report them to CPS. I want to talk to her and tell her that what she's thinking about doing is seriously not right, not only for caring for a baby, but as being a mother. I know i'm not perfect, i never have been and i never will be, but there are some things that i know if i get a sick feeling to my stomach i know it's wrong. God blessed me with a physical sickness to know if something is wrong with what i'm doing and when i heard her words that feeling enveloped me and i almost ran to the bathroom to throw up.
I guess i don't know what to do. I love my friend, and granted i've made some major mistakes in my past that doesn't mean that i want any of my friends to go through the guilty conscience that i lived with. I'm just stuck, she's a very good friend of mine and i really didn't know she was capable of doing what i found out. But apparently, she is and it saddens and sickens me to my core at the same time. It just worries me that something is going to happen. Infants and children are entirely dependent and trusting on us as parents to make sure they're well taken care of and fed and healthy. We can't do that if we're impaired. It could be dangerous in one too many ways.
I guess at this moment i'll just pray that God will touch her and help her realize that it's not right and she should rethink things. Phew, i really do feel a lot better now that i got that off my chest.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Completely and utterly LOST
It seems to be right when i believe that i know what i want, a whirlwind comes from out of no where and knocks me flat on my big butt. I was so incredibly sure that i knew what i wanted out of life and here i am even more confused than i was last week when Sean text me at 2 am saying he was still in love with me.
So to help my mind focus, i'll list the only things i DO know:
I love my daughter, Julia Lynn Watson, with everything that's in me and always will.
I have the most amazing job i could have ever asked for.
My coworkers are amazing in every way and i thank God every day for bringing them in my life.
My parents and family have been and will continue to always be by my side through hard times.
Finally, the few very close friends i have, are the only ones i trust.
Other than those things, i'm lost about life. Literally. It's almost like i'm Miranda Lambert in her song "The House That Built Me" - I got lost in this whole world and forgot who i am. That's me. I forgot who i am. I lost myself somewhere out there in the world and i don't know how to find myself.
I've been feeling incredibly convicted by Christ for letting Him down again. I rededicated my life and i was and still am very serious about it. But i revisited my past last weekend and i shouldn't have. I'm feeling entirely guilty about it and i know it's never too late to ask for forgiveness and turn things around, so i am. All i can do when i stumble and fall is call out God's name and know He'll be there to pick me up.
This weekend i'm getting Julia dedicated at church and i feel like it's a test i'm not ready for. I want to dedicate her, that's not what concerns me, but what does is that my life is in shambles and i feel like how in tact my life is should dictate going on that stage or not. I know i'm thinking crazy, and that crazy life or not i am completely allowed to get up on that stage and declare to the congregation that i'm going to raise my daughter in a Christ centered home. Which i will and i am.
I guess i'm just completely thrown for a loop because i love my job and i don't want to leave. But on that pay i can't live and support myself on my own. But yet, i don't exactly know how i can move out because i don't want to have to deal with a room mate unless it's someone that i'm dating. But you're not supposed to "live in sin" though i honestly believe that if nothing is going on, then there's nothing wrong about it.
Ugh, all i keep saying is "i don't know i don't know i don't know" and really, I DON'T KNOW! I used to know all the things i wanted out of life. Who i wanted to marry, what i wanted as a career, where i wanted to live, what i wanted to drive, how i wanted to live my life. I used to know every single one of those things and now i do nothing but draw a blank.
All i want is to feel like i have some direction again. For two weeks now i've been taking things one day at a time and just living from day to day, but i hate it. I'm the type that needs goal points in life and when i reach those i know what's next. I hate hate hate not having a plan and not knowing what to do. Yes i like to do spontaneous fun things, but as far as the serious part of life, i HAVE to have a plan. Otherwise, much like i do right now, i feel lost. Completely and utterly lost.
I've been praying. But i suppose i'm not supposed to know what to do yet. But i'll trust Him. With all i have, i'll trust Him that He knows what He's doing.
<3
So to help my mind focus, i'll list the only things i DO know:
I love my daughter, Julia Lynn Watson, with everything that's in me and always will.
I have the most amazing job i could have ever asked for.
My coworkers are amazing in every way and i thank God every day for bringing them in my life.
My parents and family have been and will continue to always be by my side through hard times.
Finally, the few very close friends i have, are the only ones i trust.
Other than those things, i'm lost about life. Literally. It's almost like i'm Miranda Lambert in her song "The House That Built Me" - I got lost in this whole world and forgot who i am. That's me. I forgot who i am. I lost myself somewhere out there in the world and i don't know how to find myself.
I've been feeling incredibly convicted by Christ for letting Him down again. I rededicated my life and i was and still am very serious about it. But i revisited my past last weekend and i shouldn't have. I'm feeling entirely guilty about it and i know it's never too late to ask for forgiveness and turn things around, so i am. All i can do when i stumble and fall is call out God's name and know He'll be there to pick me up.
This weekend i'm getting Julia dedicated at church and i feel like it's a test i'm not ready for. I want to dedicate her, that's not what concerns me, but what does is that my life is in shambles and i feel like how in tact my life is should dictate going on that stage or not. I know i'm thinking crazy, and that crazy life or not i am completely allowed to get up on that stage and declare to the congregation that i'm going to raise my daughter in a Christ centered home. Which i will and i am.
I guess i'm just completely thrown for a loop because i love my job and i don't want to leave. But on that pay i can't live and support myself on my own. But yet, i don't exactly know how i can move out because i don't want to have to deal with a room mate unless it's someone that i'm dating. But you're not supposed to "live in sin" though i honestly believe that if nothing is going on, then there's nothing wrong about it.
Ugh, all i keep saying is "i don't know i don't know i don't know" and really, I DON'T KNOW! I used to know all the things i wanted out of life. Who i wanted to marry, what i wanted as a career, where i wanted to live, what i wanted to drive, how i wanted to live my life. I used to know every single one of those things and now i do nothing but draw a blank.
All i want is to feel like i have some direction again. For two weeks now i've been taking things one day at a time and just living from day to day, but i hate it. I'm the type that needs goal points in life and when i reach those i know what's next. I hate hate hate not having a plan and not knowing what to do. Yes i like to do spontaneous fun things, but as far as the serious part of life, i HAVE to have a plan. Otherwise, much like i do right now, i feel lost. Completely and utterly lost.
I've been praying. But i suppose i'm not supposed to know what to do yet. But i'll trust Him. With all i have, i'll trust Him that He knows what He's doing.
<3
Monday, February 14, 2011
National Remember Your Single And The Men Forgot You Day
Who ever thought of Valentine's day seriously hated the single people out there. For the 23rd year in a row i'm alone on Valentine's day. No boyfriend, no flowers, no special someone, no date, no love, nothing. I honestly don't know why i even bother to try and make plans or think to myself 'Maybe this year will be different, maybe this year i'll finally get a little spoiled and have someone just show me how much they care about me, but ugh, it NEVER happens.
If i get a boyfriend before Valentine's day we break up before it get here. Seriously, one year it was the day before Valentine's day. The only year that i actually 'had a Valentine' was Taurus just before we were going to get married. I was sicker than sick with a fever, throwing up and just feeling horrible. He did NOTHING. Oh wait, he got a hotel room and hoped to get laid all weekend long. Obviously, that didn't happen. No flowers, no dinner date, nothing planned at all. Just the room. And on Valentine's DAY he disappeared for 4 hours and came back with a bag of random love day stuff and just threw it on the bed and said 'I'm not good at this, here it is.' And proceeded to sit and watch tv. I mean really!?
Regardless of whomever i'm with its like they're incapable of showing any type of emotion. The guys that i end up really caring about have serious issues and the great amazing i'll-show-you-all-the-love-in-the-world guys i just can't find it in myself to have that passionate connection with them. Maybe i'm the one who has the issues... In every relationship i'm the common denominator.
*Sigh*
One year i'll get an amazing guy who doesn't feel obligated to do all those things that 'you're supposed to' on V-day, but he'll WANT to. I guess i just really don't get it. I try and try and try but it never ever works out...
Every year this day always makes me ache for something that i've never had and probably won't have for years and years and years. Love. Even if i get close, i always find a way to mess it up royally. Ugh, whatever. Instead of going out to a nice dinner all dressed up and getting roses or a planned romantic night out i'm staying at home and more than likely going to spend my night like any other night... writing or sleeping. Lovely.
Forgive me for being a lonely bitter woman at the moment, but everyone's entitled to their feelings, and this, unfortunately, is how i feel right now.
If i get a boyfriend before Valentine's day we break up before it get here. Seriously, one year it was the day before Valentine's day. The only year that i actually 'had a Valentine' was Taurus just before we were going to get married. I was sicker than sick with a fever, throwing up and just feeling horrible. He did NOTHING. Oh wait, he got a hotel room and hoped to get laid all weekend long. Obviously, that didn't happen. No flowers, no dinner date, nothing planned at all. Just the room. And on Valentine's DAY he disappeared for 4 hours and came back with a bag of random love day stuff and just threw it on the bed and said 'I'm not good at this, here it is.' And proceeded to sit and watch tv. I mean really!?
Regardless of whomever i'm with its like they're incapable of showing any type of emotion. The guys that i end up really caring about have serious issues and the great amazing i'll-show-you-all-the-love-in-the-world guys i just can't find it in myself to have that passionate connection with them. Maybe i'm the one who has the issues... In every relationship i'm the common denominator.
*Sigh*
One year i'll get an amazing guy who doesn't feel obligated to do all those things that 'you're supposed to' on V-day, but he'll WANT to. I guess i just really don't get it. I try and try and try but it never ever works out...
Every year this day always makes me ache for something that i've never had and probably won't have for years and years and years. Love. Even if i get close, i always find a way to mess it up royally. Ugh, whatever. Instead of going out to a nice dinner all dressed up and getting roses or a planned romantic night out i'm staying at home and more than likely going to spend my night like any other night... writing or sleeping. Lovely.
Forgive me for being a lonely bitter woman at the moment, but everyone's entitled to their feelings, and this, unfortunately, is how i feel right now.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not
So, here it is 236am and why am i not asleep? Honestly, i'm not sure. I'm completely exhausted and can't really keep my eyes open, but i guess i just needed to vent. So my Valentine's plans are back on, but under strict friends circumstances and though i'm happy that friend and i are more or less ok again i can't just help but still feel torn. And i think i found out why.
So many times i've been left with no explanation and nothing more than a short sentence saying something along the lines of "Its not you, it's me" blah, blah, blah. This time with Sean, oh boy, it's been so different. I know i keep forcing myself to slow down and 'just be friends' don't be anything more than 'friends'. Friends, friends, friends. Ugh! I've never in my life wanted to punch myself in the present tense. Sure i've looked back and wanted to go punch that version of me for being dumb, but never the one i'm actually in.
I find myself laughing more, smiling more and just feeling a little bit more whole every day since Sean and i started talking every day again. I'm excited for Valentine's day, but at the same time, i feel torn from Sean and i don't really like that feeling. Sean's completely supportive of my seeing and dating other people so i can figure out what/who i want and get my head on straight, but ughhh! I feel like i'm stuck in a locked box, i have the key but the lock us on the outside. I'm stuck and i can't get out.
Thankfully, my writing has seen a whole new chapter this week from these developments in my life haha. I've always been able to write more when there's more on my mind. Kinda sucks but when life sucks my writing is awesome haha. If only i could have awesome writing and awesomeness in my life at the same time, oh, if only.
I guess, mainly, i needed to vent about my over all feelings about Sean. I feel SO strongly about him and i know that i really really want to be with him, but the both of us feel like we should go slow and to be quite blunt, i hate myself for agreeing to it. I mean, ya ya ya, 'it's best for the both of us' but it's hurting me to know that i have to bite my tongue and not tell him everything that i want to tell him.
I also feel bad about my valentine. I really like[d] him. I had a card from him in the mail today too and it was very sweet and it's never been done for me, but, idk. I don't want to hurt him. He's way too good of a man and deserves so much more than that. It really and truly is a crappy place i'm in, because i think about my valentine and the path that him and i might make together and i can see myself happy and content and i want that.
But then i think about the path with Sean and i see him and i happy and content as well and i want that too! I'm just torn in two and wish i was a twin or something. Oii, i know deep in my heart i know what i selfishly want to do, and trying to keep myself from caving and just doing whatever i want to do no matter who it hurts is so very hard. Only through God's good graces am i surviving and not turning into a man eater.
Plus, on top of these guy problems, tonight i was hit on by three of my different guy friends telling me that they like me and always have and want a chance. Eesh. Seriously? I mean, honestly, is there anyone ELSE that wants to tell me that they want to be with me too!? Might as well get it out now since it seems like i'm going to be deciding my future. Ugh.
I really hate it how when i actually want to have a relationship there isn't a soul in sight that wants to admit they want to be with me and actually try a real relationship, but when i have my eyes on someone they all show up out of no where and confess their undying love for me. SERIOUSLY!? Let's just take a chill pill and realize that i'm not the ONLY one out there. I'm flattered but a woman can only handle so many guys trying to be her boyfriend before she cracks under the pressure.
Well it's now 254am and my eyes are starting to get itchy and dry which means it's night night time for Miss Stephanie. G'night.
<3
So many times i've been left with no explanation and nothing more than a short sentence saying something along the lines of "Its not you, it's me" blah, blah, blah. This time with Sean, oh boy, it's been so different. I know i keep forcing myself to slow down and 'just be friends' don't be anything more than 'friends'. Friends, friends, friends. Ugh! I've never in my life wanted to punch myself in the present tense. Sure i've looked back and wanted to go punch that version of me for being dumb, but never the one i'm actually in.
I find myself laughing more, smiling more and just feeling a little bit more whole every day since Sean and i started talking every day again. I'm excited for Valentine's day, but at the same time, i feel torn from Sean and i don't really like that feeling. Sean's completely supportive of my seeing and dating other people so i can figure out what/who i want and get my head on straight, but ughhh! I feel like i'm stuck in a locked box, i have the key but the lock us on the outside. I'm stuck and i can't get out.
Thankfully, my writing has seen a whole new chapter this week from these developments in my life haha. I've always been able to write more when there's more on my mind. Kinda sucks but when life sucks my writing is awesome haha. If only i could have awesome writing and awesomeness in my life at the same time, oh, if only.
I guess, mainly, i needed to vent about my over all feelings about Sean. I feel SO strongly about him and i know that i really really want to be with him, but the both of us feel like we should go slow and to be quite blunt, i hate myself for agreeing to it. I mean, ya ya ya, 'it's best for the both of us' but it's hurting me to know that i have to bite my tongue and not tell him everything that i want to tell him.
I also feel bad about my valentine. I really like[d] him. I had a card from him in the mail today too and it was very sweet and it's never been done for me, but, idk. I don't want to hurt him. He's way too good of a man and deserves so much more than that. It really and truly is a crappy place i'm in, because i think about my valentine and the path that him and i might make together and i can see myself happy and content and i want that.
But then i think about the path with Sean and i see him and i happy and content as well and i want that too! I'm just torn in two and wish i was a twin or something. Oii, i know deep in my heart i know what i selfishly want to do, and trying to keep myself from caving and just doing whatever i want to do no matter who it hurts is so very hard. Only through God's good graces am i surviving and not turning into a man eater.
Plus, on top of these guy problems, tonight i was hit on by three of my different guy friends telling me that they like me and always have and want a chance. Eesh. Seriously? I mean, honestly, is there anyone ELSE that wants to tell me that they want to be with me too!? Might as well get it out now since it seems like i'm going to be deciding my future. Ugh.
I really hate it how when i actually want to have a relationship there isn't a soul in sight that wants to admit they want to be with me and actually try a real relationship, but when i have my eyes on someone they all show up out of no where and confess their undying love for me. SERIOUSLY!? Let's just take a chill pill and realize that i'm not the ONLY one out there. I'm flattered but a woman can only handle so many guys trying to be her boyfriend before she cracks under the pressure.
Well it's now 254am and my eyes are starting to get itchy and dry which means it's night night time for Miss Stephanie. G'night.
<3
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