There's No Place Like Family

Well, it's the beginning of November and I'm already feeling the holiday spirit and something so much deeper at work in my life. I was going through all of my old photos in my computer and I noticed something I feel very troubling... I had pictures of birthday celebrations with friends, parties and events with friends old and new, vacations and day trips, nights out or nights in but all of them had only one thing in common... My family was missing.

Sure I have pictures of a few thanksgivings and of course some christmas... But shouldn't there be so much more than that?? Shouldn't there be too many pictures to count of my mom and me, my dad and I, my brothers and their kids, wives and everyone together on more than just the holidays?? After noticing this last night I couldn't help but cry.

We spend so much time focusing on having fun and going out and putting off the dull and dreary living of day to day life. But what about those who didn't get that? The people who died young and never got the opportunity to experience their family as much as I have had the opportunity. All three of my brothers are no more than a twenty minute drive away at most, so why is it that we still don't see each other as often as we should?? Busy schedules... I suppose, but if you want something bad enough, you make time.

I guess what I'm getting at is that with my growing older every year, I suppose I'm actually growing wiser as well. Call me old fashioned or call me mushy and lovey. Either way I don't mind, because in all honesty, only a handful of my friends will actually last through out my life time... But my family, they'll always be there. I am so incredibly blessed to have a family that doesn't fight at each meeting, quarrel over stupid things or let our differences get the best of us.

I love each member of my family as much as you could possibly imagine. Every one of them is different and their own person, which is amazing. It proves that it IS possible to have differences and disagree with your family and still love them just the same.

All I know right now, is that I'm going to make an effort to get pictures of my family as often as my camera allows. I'm going to take the time to enjoy my family whenever I can get the chance. And I'm going to try my damndest to make sure that we don't ONLY see each other during the holidays or special occasions.

Right now, my family is virtually all I have. And I'm one blessed woman to have them support me in every way I can possibly imagine.

All the good men are taken, just like parking spots!

So everyone knows that I'm the type of woman that just wants to be loved. I'm seeing all of my friends getting married and having their second or third or even fourth baby. It seems like everyone's buying houses or getting cars and life is happening. I just seem stuck. Here I am 22, barely starting my career, going through a divorce, not even able to get a damn date. I just want to know when it's my turn? When is it my turn to stop keeping myself so busy during the day and making myself so exhausted that I fall asleep before I hit the pillow just so I won't have to spend one minute thinking about why I'm still alone.

Families surround me completely. Every where I look there's a man and a woman with their kids and making the best of what they have. I don't need to be rich, I don't need the finer things in life, I don't need to have everything I want. But I want a man to stand next to me and when I'm tired they'll offer to take baby duty for a while. If I'm having a bad day they'll offer to take me out and get my mind off of things.

Yesterday I made a complete fool out of myself. I finally found someone I was willing to take a risk on, jump for and pray to God that they catch me... unfortunately, I also found out they were taken. I just, I haven't felt willing to open up in a long time. I mean completely open myself to someone and here I am not able to because someone beat me to the punch.

There is this other guy that wants to take me out and be with me, but I'm not too sure. He just sounds like every other guy out there and I don't want to go through what every other guy out there has done to me... Again. Idk what's wrong with me. I should be happy, ecstatic, even. I start school in less than two weeks. My food stamps and cash assistance finally came in. Taurus's C/O's are supposed to be working on getting my money to me. But it's always this one thing that makes me feel like I just need to break down and cry.

I just want to scream at every man that tries to get close to me, I want to run from it, because I know that no one would follow me... and even if they did. I doubt they're doing it for me without some hidden agenda...

I watched When In Rome the other day. And the main character Beth has this ex boyfriend who talks to her and makes her think that he's going to get back together with her but he tells her he's engaged to someone else. And she tells this guy who is "falling for her" that every time she's put herself out there, she's been hurt. And that's me. Every single time I've put myself out there, every time I've admitted my feelings or took a risk on a guy that I started to like, it always ended bad. Or worse.

I love my daughter, and she is my everything and I try so hard and focus for so long on just her and getting MY life straightened around. But there are breaking points. When you've gone almost a year without a guy taking you out on a nice date and simply talking with you and getting to know YOU. It starts to hurt. It makes you wonder why you're not good enough. It makes you feel like you're not good enough. And when you feel like you're not good enough... you start to believe that you're not good enough.

I suppose that's where I am. To the point where I'm actually starting to believe that I'm not good enough.

Step up and be a man, I have

So I'm feeling better than I was the other day, but I'm still upset about a lot. I don't know if it was a good idea yet, but I wrote Taurus on FaceBook and this is what I wrote to him:

"First off I don't want to argue or fight.

The only negative thing i'm going to say is that i think you're being rude and childish by keeping the money you're getting for being married to me to support everyone other than the daughter that i spend that money on.

Idk what it is that you think, but you have the house number to call and my mother's cell number. You also have our address on Julia's birth certificate that i mailed you a copy of and you told me you had received.

I AM NOT KEEPING HER FROM YOU. You have numerous ways of getting a hold of me to see her. Yet you CHOOSE not to. The only reason i'm writing this is because my parents literally cannot afford to pay for mine and Julia's bills that we have. And the economy in AZ is so bad that every where i apply to tells me that i'm not needed.

Don't think that you're just free sailing because i've already taken drastic measures to make sure that you pay me that money until we're divorced which is LEGALLY what you're supposed to do. Idk why you care so much anyways because as soon as we're divorced you can turn around and Marry Dee and get even more money than just for me because all those other kids.

You have one of two choices.

ONE: Pay the money either voluntarily so your daughter doesn't starve or go without the things she needs to or be forced to do so by your command.

or TWO: Sign over your rights and get rid of all financial responsibility for her and know that i'm taking good care of her.

If you decide on the second one, whenever she gets old enough to chose for herself to meet you, i'll let her and you can beleive that. After this past year i'm a completely different person and i don't have pregnancy hormones controlling my actions.

Either way YOU need to make a decision and make one NOW. Otherwise it'll be made for you. Legally in the state of Arizona you've already abandoned her and i could petition the court to take your rights away without your permission. So you need to either give her completely to me or start acting like the father to her that you claim you are.

I'm done playing your bullshit games. I don't care what you do with your life. But when it affects my daughter, that's when i get aggressive. You have a limited time to answer this before i start making calls so i suggest you get on replying to me. WITHOUT yelling or arguing. "

Honestly, I'm not expecting much. If anything I'm expecting him to just go on and on about how I DID things wrong and how I SHOULD have knocked down his door and shoved Julia in his arms. Ugh.

All I know is that even though it's going to start turmoil and stuff is going to hit the fan soon. I know that soon things should be settled. All I know is that I'm drowning in all these bills that I need to pay and he's just skating along paying for another woman and four other kids! I mean, how right is that? Does he honestly expect me to just sit here and watch my daughter get closer to starving and do nothing? Well he's just in for a rude awakening.

I don't really know what else to say at the moment but I'm sure I'll be back.

Every rose has its thorn, just like every night has its dawn

The past couple of days have been pretty good. I've kept a really good schedule of staying up from when Julia gets up until just after she falls asleep for the night. And I have to say that I love it. I absolutely love waking up and spending some personal time with my baby girl just me and her. She captivates me every day more and more; without her my life is nothing.

As far as my home life it's going pretty well, getting cleaning done regularly, laundry, daily routines are finally being formed since Jules is actually in a schedule now. But as for my personal life, it's empty :/ I'm hoping to change that soon with attending school, but honestly you just have no idea. Idk what's going on with my personal life or lack thereof anymore. I'm still trying to find work. I'm still trying to get my money coming in and it's just one dead end after the other :(

I seriously just can't wait until I'm in my classes and working a part time job to start feeling more independent. It's been over a year since I've been completely dependent on my parents and it's killing me. Because of no support I have no phone, no way to pay for Julia's necessities or my bills. NOTHING. He's just one huge asshole that doesn't give a damn what happens to his daughter. No correction, MY daughter. Because his other daughter he'd be damned if she had to go without. It just makes me want to smash his face into the concrete. If I could do that and not have any consequences to it, believe me, I would.

Ugh, I just don't even know if it's worth it anymore because NOTHING ever happens.

.... You know what's really sad? Is when you really miss someone, but if you were to start getting close like you once were with that person, everything would fall apart and drama would start. I hate that. I don't understand why I can't just be friends with whoever I want to be friends with yanno? I just... I miss how my life used to be, I just wanna take Julia back in time with me and keep her in my old life where I had my complete independence. I don't know why I'm in this funk right now.

I'll write more later when I can make sense of everything.

The story of Julia's sperm donor

I never thought that I'd be here. The beginning of 2010, pregnant and single without a dime to my name. I've had so many ups and downs this past year where the ups were higher than any skyscraper in New York City and the downs were deeper than the deepest part of the ocean. I've cried so many tears and laughed very little. I lost everything I had.

I had the most amazing job, as a preschool teaching assistant where the kids loved me and my co-workers didn't hate me. I got decent pay and benefits. While working at this job I had a car of my own and lived with a truly amazing friend and her kids. I had everything, I was a completely independent woman and didn't need anyone to help me.

It might sound silly, but I loved going grocery shopping for things I needed, I loved doing laundry when my clothes got dirty. Most of all, I loved the company of my friend and her children. I guess since no one knows about this blog, and on top of that it's my one safe haven from everyone I know, names can actually go into this thing. The friend I lived with was Maria, and her two kids were Chloe and Junior. They were once my everything. My best friend, and the two kids I called my niece and nephew. But after a year... I don't even know who they are.

To say the short version of the story, because I don't feel like rehashing every miserable detail of it, this is how 2009 played out. But I guess it all started December of 2008. It started with a man named Taurus. The guy I ended up falling for, marrying and leaving everything behind for. I don't know what I was thinking, but from December to February we dated and had our fair share of problems. Then I broke things off after a totally sucky beyond sucky Valentines day.

A month went by and he supposedly "cared" and wanted me back. So I gave him another chance the last weekend of March. Only to find out on April 1st that his ex was one month pregnant with his kid. Meaning he waited all of two weeks before going out and boning the ex he resented for so long.

Now here is where I look like a complete and utter idiot. April 11th of 2009, we got married. Yup, you read that right whoever you are, we tied the not and made a ball and chain. Which literally is how it feels. So, I put in my two weeks notice at my amazing job and gave my car back to my parents. Taurus had bought me a car that I was supposed to use, and it was actually a really nice car, I kinda miss it - Lol.

Oh, back tracking just a little, Taurus is in the Marines and was being stationed in Camp Pendleton, California.

So, the first two weeks out in California we stayed with a friend of mine I'd known since 5th grade. And those two weeks were amazing. At least to me, we were happy and actually tried. But once we got our own apartment... everything changed and he started ignoring me. Coming home and going straight to video games or tv. I'd make dinner and even go sit next to him while he's playing his damn games to eat instead of at the table. And he wouldn't even eat what I'd make.

The car he got me broke and I couldn't drive it until we could afford to fix it, but he wouldn't let me drive his car that I'd driven a million times before we had gotten married. He refused to put me on his bank account or make a joint account so he could put money in for me to pay the bills or go grocery shopping.

He wouldn't even let me do the shopping on my own. We'd go to get groceries and when I'd ask what he would want me to make for him, he'd simply say "You get what you wanna eat, and I'll get what I wanna eat". Needless to say, he never ate anything I'd cook for him.

I'd try and talk to him, I'd try and communicate but he'd refuse and just stare at me like he didn't even understand the language coming out of my mouth. The weekend before mother's day, I found out I was pregnant. And instead of acting excited about the fact that we would be welcoming our first child into the world and start a family all he said was "So you're knocked up too?" - Remember that his ex is pregnant too.

On top of all of this the only attention he'd give me was, of course, when he wanted sex. And he never made me feel like it was love, just a fuck. How great of a husband is this? For the cherry to top it all off, his ex would call and talk to him as if being with him was negotiable - Even though he was married. To me. But regardless of that fact, he'd indulge her and actually talk to her about it.

The final breaking point was a night when I was once again crying my eyes out begging for him to talk to me, to hold me, to comfort me and let me know that he was there for me. Do you want to know what it is that he did? He stood across from the bed leaning on my dresser and stared at me with a smirk on his face. Like he was getting pleasure from my pain. It took him two and half hours before he even came and sat next to me. When he did, he sat three or four inches away and said, "You gonna stop crying now?". What a keeper I picked out, right?

Well, one thing lead to another and I came home and told him I wanted a divorce. Once again, it didn't take him long to move on to another woman, even though he claimed that I was the only one he had wanted. Three and a half months later, I found out he not only had a new girlfriend, but that she was three months pregnant and saying it was his.

So much had happened with getting him to send me spousal support because no one would hire a pregnant woman. And he would either send it two weeks late or not send it at all until finally his lieutenant grew tired of his games, actually believed what I was saying, and set up direct deposit into my account.

So where am I now? Living at my parents house, with no job, no income, no car and definitely no man to stand beside me. I'm 38 and a half weeks pregnant and determined to make sure that Taurus doesn't get any type of custody what so ever. He has done nothing but cause me heartache and misery, and he's done it on purpose. Not to mention that committing adultery is a pretty big no no in the marine core.

Because of everything that happened with him, I lost my two best friends Maria and Meg. And I have to watch my every move to make sure he doesn't try and twist it all around and make me out to be the horrible person that HE is and I am NOT. For some reason, all the friends who were mutual friends, took his side over mine.

Even though it still gets to me sometimes, I'm just missing what used to be. Because right now, I finally have the only friends that I really need. Phil, Brandi and Kim. It may seem like very few, but to be honest that's the most friends I've had since summer last year. For the longest time the only person I had was my mom. And I'll love her more and more every day for everything that she's done for me.

Well that kinda ties up the short version of what happened with Julia's sperm donor of a father. Oh, haha, by the way - I'm having a little girl and naming her Julia Lynn Watson. Watson is my last name. Not his. This is kinda where it begins in order for you to get anything else I write. I'll write more later on.