So everyone knows that I'm the type of woman that just wants to be loved. I'm seeing all of my friends getting married and having their second or third or even fourth baby. It seems like everyone's buying houses or getting cars and life is happening. I just seem stuck. Here I am 22, barely starting my career, going through a divorce, not even able to get a damn date. I just want to know when it's my turn? When is it my turn to stop keeping myself so busy during the day and making myself so exhausted that I fall asleep before I hit the pillow just so I won't have to spend one minute thinking about why I'm still alone.
Families surround me completely. Every where I look there's a man and a woman with their kids and making the best of what they have. I don't need to be rich, I don't need the finer things in life, I don't need to have everything I want. But I want a man to stand next to me and when I'm tired they'll offer to take baby duty for a while. If I'm having a bad day they'll offer to take me out and get my mind off of things.
Yesterday I made a complete fool out of myself. I finally found someone I was willing to take a risk on, jump for and pray to God that they catch me... unfortunately, I also found out they were taken. I just, I haven't felt willing to open up in a long time. I mean completely open myself to someone and here I am not able to because someone beat me to the punch.
There is this other guy that wants to take me out and be with me, but I'm not too sure. He just sounds like every other guy out there and I don't want to go through what every other guy out there has done to me... Again. Idk what's wrong with me. I should be happy, ecstatic, even. I start school in less than two weeks. My food stamps and cash assistance finally came in. Taurus's C/O's are supposed to be working on getting my money to me. But it's always this one thing that makes me feel like I just need to break down and cry.
I just want to scream at every man that tries to get close to me, I want to run from it, because I know that no one would follow me... and even if they did. I doubt they're doing it for me without some hidden agenda...
I watched When In Rome the other day. And the main character Beth has this ex boyfriend who talks to her and makes her think that he's going to get back together with her but he tells her he's engaged to someone else. And she tells this guy who is "falling for her" that every time she's put herself out there, she's been hurt. And that's me. Every single time I've put myself out there, every time I've admitted my feelings or took a risk on a guy that I started to like, it always ended bad. Or worse.
I love my daughter, and she is my everything and I try so hard and focus for so long on just her and getting MY life straightened around. But there are breaking points. When you've gone almost a year without a guy taking you out on a nice date and simply talking with you and getting to know YOU. It starts to hurt. It makes you wonder why you're not good enough. It makes you feel like you're not good enough. And when you feel like you're not good enough... you start to believe that you're not good enough.
I suppose that's where I am. To the point where I'm actually starting to believe that I'm not good enough.
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