All the good men are taken, just like parking spots!

So everyone knows that I'm the type of woman that just wants to be loved. I'm seeing all of my friends getting married and having their second or third or even fourth baby. It seems like everyone's buying houses or getting cars and life is happening. I just seem stuck. Here I am 22, barely starting my career, going through a divorce, not even able to get a damn date. I just want to know when it's my turn? When is it my turn to stop keeping myself so busy during the day and making myself so exhausted that I fall asleep before I hit the pillow just so I won't have to spend one minute thinking about why I'm still alone.

Families surround me completely. Every where I look there's a man and a woman with their kids and making the best of what they have. I don't need to be rich, I don't need the finer things in life, I don't need to have everything I want. But I want a man to stand next to me and when I'm tired they'll offer to take baby duty for a while. If I'm having a bad day they'll offer to take me out and get my mind off of things.

Yesterday I made a complete fool out of myself. I finally found someone I was willing to take a risk on, jump for and pray to God that they catch me... unfortunately, I also found out they were taken. I just, I haven't felt willing to open up in a long time. I mean completely open myself to someone and here I am not able to because someone beat me to the punch.

There is this other guy that wants to take me out and be with me, but I'm not too sure. He just sounds like every other guy out there and I don't want to go through what every other guy out there has done to me... Again. Idk what's wrong with me. I should be happy, ecstatic, even. I start school in less than two weeks. My food stamps and cash assistance finally came in. Taurus's C/O's are supposed to be working on getting my money to me. But it's always this one thing that makes me feel like I just need to break down and cry.

I just want to scream at every man that tries to get close to me, I want to run from it, because I know that no one would follow me... and even if they did. I doubt they're doing it for me without some hidden agenda...

I watched When In Rome the other day. And the main character Beth has this ex boyfriend who talks to her and makes her think that he's going to get back together with her but he tells her he's engaged to someone else. And she tells this guy who is "falling for her" that every time she's put herself out there, she's been hurt. And that's me. Every single time I've put myself out there, every time I've admitted my feelings or took a risk on a guy that I started to like, it always ended bad. Or worse.

I love my daughter, and she is my everything and I try so hard and focus for so long on just her and getting MY life straightened around. But there are breaking points. When you've gone almost a year without a guy taking you out on a nice date and simply talking with you and getting to know YOU. It starts to hurt. It makes you wonder why you're not good enough. It makes you feel like you're not good enough. And when you feel like you're not good enough... you start to believe that you're not good enough.

I suppose that's where I am. To the point where I'm actually starting to believe that I'm not good enough.

Step up and be a man, I have

So I'm feeling better than I was the other day, but I'm still upset about a lot. I don't know if it was a good idea yet, but I wrote Taurus on FaceBook and this is what I wrote to him:

"First off I don't want to argue or fight.

The only negative thing i'm going to say is that i think you're being rude and childish by keeping the money you're getting for being married to me to support everyone other than the daughter that i spend that money on.

Idk what it is that you think, but you have the house number to call and my mother's cell number. You also have our address on Julia's birth certificate that i mailed you a copy of and you told me you had received.

I AM NOT KEEPING HER FROM YOU. You have numerous ways of getting a hold of me to see her. Yet you CHOOSE not to. The only reason i'm writing this is because my parents literally cannot afford to pay for mine and Julia's bills that we have. And the economy in AZ is so bad that every where i apply to tells me that i'm not needed.

Don't think that you're just free sailing because i've already taken drastic measures to make sure that you pay me that money until we're divorced which is LEGALLY what you're supposed to do. Idk why you care so much anyways because as soon as we're divorced you can turn around and Marry Dee and get even more money than just for me because all those other kids.

You have one of two choices.

ONE: Pay the money either voluntarily so your daughter doesn't starve or go without the things she needs to or be forced to do so by your command.

or TWO: Sign over your rights and get rid of all financial responsibility for her and know that i'm taking good care of her.

If you decide on the second one, whenever she gets old enough to chose for herself to meet you, i'll let her and you can beleive that. After this past year i'm a completely different person and i don't have pregnancy hormones controlling my actions.

Either way YOU need to make a decision and make one NOW. Otherwise it'll be made for you. Legally in the state of Arizona you've already abandoned her and i could petition the court to take your rights away without your permission. So you need to either give her completely to me or start acting like the father to her that you claim you are.

I'm done playing your bullshit games. I don't care what you do with your life. But when it affects my daughter, that's when i get aggressive. You have a limited time to answer this before i start making calls so i suggest you get on replying to me. WITHOUT yelling or arguing. "

Honestly, I'm not expecting much. If anything I'm expecting him to just go on and on about how I DID things wrong and how I SHOULD have knocked down his door and shoved Julia in his arms. Ugh.

All I know is that even though it's going to start turmoil and stuff is going to hit the fan soon. I know that soon things should be settled. All I know is that I'm drowning in all these bills that I need to pay and he's just skating along paying for another woman and four other kids! I mean, how right is that? Does he honestly expect me to just sit here and watch my daughter get closer to starving and do nothing? Well he's just in for a rude awakening.

I don't really know what else to say at the moment but I'm sure I'll be back.

Every rose has its thorn, just like every night has its dawn

The past couple of days have been pretty good. I've kept a really good schedule of staying up from when Julia gets up until just after she falls asleep for the night. And I have to say that I love it. I absolutely love waking up and spending some personal time with my baby girl just me and her. She captivates me every day more and more; without her my life is nothing.

As far as my home life it's going pretty well, getting cleaning done regularly, laundry, daily routines are finally being formed since Jules is actually in a schedule now. But as for my personal life, it's empty :/ I'm hoping to change that soon with attending school, but honestly you just have no idea. Idk what's going on with my personal life or lack thereof anymore. I'm still trying to find work. I'm still trying to get my money coming in and it's just one dead end after the other :(

I seriously just can't wait until I'm in my classes and working a part time job to start feeling more independent. It's been over a year since I've been completely dependent on my parents and it's killing me. Because of no support I have no phone, no way to pay for Julia's necessities or my bills. NOTHING. He's just one huge asshole that doesn't give a damn what happens to his daughter. No correction, MY daughter. Because his other daughter he'd be damned if she had to go without. It just makes me want to smash his face into the concrete. If I could do that and not have any consequences to it, believe me, I would.

Ugh, I just don't even know if it's worth it anymore because NOTHING ever happens.

.... You know what's really sad? Is when you really miss someone, but if you were to start getting close like you once were with that person, everything would fall apart and drama would start. I hate that. I don't understand why I can't just be friends with whoever I want to be friends with yanno? I just... I miss how my life used to be, I just wanna take Julia back in time with me and keep her in my old life where I had my complete independence. I don't know why I'm in this funk right now.

I'll write more later when I can make sense of everything.